Big girls don't cry.

Questions without answers and terribly unsettling thoughts. If all that's left is to chase after something you are so afraid of, so uncertain of, what would you do? It makes me wonder. Can it just be about not giving a damn about what you feel, or can it just be? The thoughts of the past are so distant yet so prominent that I would die to relive a second, a mere moment of it. It is an idea that irks me. Yes, it is worrisome, so worrisome it has become tiring. Pain overridden by numbness. I am not a dumb girl. True, I may be naive at times, but what's to say that I can't see through everything? It was always a yes or a no, plain and simple, black was black and white was white. Now everything is bare and in the light, and what I once knew as simple is no longer so clear-cut. I've come to realize that indifference is not the answer. No, it is not the answer at all, to anything, really. Indifference is merely a mask to shadow the truth in a person's heart, to shut out the guilt and the "I-know-what's-right-but-I-don't-want-to" in a person's mind. It was better before, it was better. The shocking fact is not even the drastic difference, rather, it's the lack of anxiety. Strange? Perhaps. But the anxiety always presented itself for the good. There was a heart, a soul, a mind, a spirit, a fire deep down. What was so vibrant before is now a bland stare, a blank face, a stone heart, a cold shoulder. All I wanted was half a heart. A simple [or what I once knew to be simple] request gone down the drain, my dark secrets of the past piling higher and faster, faster and high. Never again, never again.

Does it hurt, to know I'll never be there?

Thanks for the memories, even though they weren't so great.

The smell of your skin lingers on me now, you're probably on your flight back to your home town. I need some shelter of my own protection, to be with myself instead of calamity. Peace, serenity. Fairytales don't always have a happy ending, do they? I foresee the dark ahead, so I just can't stay. The path that I'm walking, I must go alone, I must take the baby steps until I'm full grown. Like the little school mate in the school yard we'll play jacks and uno cards, I'll be your best friend and you'll be my valentine. Yes, you can hold my hand if you want to, 'cause I want to hold yours too. We'll be playmates and lovers and share our secret worlds, but it's time for me to go home. It's getting late and dark outside, I need to be with myself instead of calamity. Peace, serenity. I hope you know, I hope you know that this has nothing to do with you. It's personal, myself and I, we've got some straightening out to do. I'm going to miss you like a child misses their blanket, but I've got to get a move on with my life. It's time to be a big girl now, and big girls don't cry.

Ps. Some say I am known for my tendency to equivocate. I'm just trying to feel, to feel it all, really.