I screwed up. I'm sorry, I knew it would end this way, I knew it all along. I knew it and I ignored it like I always do, and I'm back here on my ass, just like before. It's the same everytime, it's always the same ... every fucking time.

If it happens once, shame on you. If it happens twice, shame on me. And if it happens three times, well, you're just a fucking idiot, aren't you?

I was the girl. I fucked it up. I fucked you up, I fucked me up, I fucked it up. I hope it's only you and I who can see that, the world would judge, I know they would. Don't tell, close your eyes, shut your ears and zip your mouth. Ignore it and pretend like you didn't see it, didn't hear it, didn't talk about it, didn't have any relation to it. I wanted to be good, so good, so unbelievably good. I was good, don't you agree? Nothing short of cockiness, but it's not what I'm made of, it really isn't. You know me better than that, you and I both know that much. But everything here [the rambles and such that occur without my concious knowledge] is besides the point, the point that I refuse to get to. It's the simple fact that I do not want to dwell on it. The good, the bad, and the plain butt ugly. We did it, and it was so wrong that it was right. Words cannot explain the mixed emotions and the drama that everything held, it is too bad to be good but too good to be bad. Hands down, it shouldn't have ended like that. Hold on ... let me rephrase myself. Hands down, it shouldn't have started like that. It ended well, I am proud of you for standing up for what is right, because I wouldn't have said a word. It's those guilty thoughts, that voice inside your head that smacks you back to where you should be. It's hard to admit your wrongdoings, believe me, I've tried. Never the less, the freedom from guilt is exhiliarating, just like she told me it'd be. I believe her, just like I believed you. Was it wrong to? I guess we'll never know.

But really, I should leave you, and you should leave me. That's the way it should have been, that's the way it has to be. I have no choice. I'm sorry, so sorry. There are a lot of stupid things I've done in life, but this by far tops it all. Take back your apology, it was meaningless to me. Sorry is not what you should be saying, it should be the words coming out of my mouth. And I'm not even woman enough to apologize to you, so here it is, my heart, everything. It was stupid, I was stupid, it was all just one big mistake. We should have known.

Forgive and forget, leave it and move on, the world spins and life continues, the clock is ticking. Walk ahead a little farther, a little quicker, a little stronger. Try a little harder, get a little better, run a little faster, grow a little stronger. It is said. Now let it be done.


Say anything.

Try a little more, a little more, a little more. They slap you like a bitch and you take it like a whore. Upside down and around and around, just another piece 'till you need another sound. Faze them out I know what you scream about, don't let me down.

And the guilt in me is the hurt in you.
And the hurt in you is the lost in me.
And the lost in me is the need in you.
And the need in you is the guilt in me.

And if I could swim I'd swim out to you in the ocean, swim out to where you were floating in the dark. And if I was blessed I'd walk out to you on the water to lend you some air for that heaving, sunken chest. 'Cause they chose you as the model for their empty little dreams, with your new head and your legs spread like a filthy magazine. And they hunt you and they gut you and you give in. And if I was brave I'd climb up to you on the mountain. They led you to drink from their fountain, spouting lies. And I'd slay the horrible beast they've commissioned to steer me away from my mission to your eyes. And I'd stand there like a soldier with my foot upon his chest, with my grin spread and my arms out in my bloodstained Sunday's best. And you'd hold me I'd remind you who you are under their shell. I'd walk through hell for you. Let it burn right through my shoes, these soles are useless without you. Through hell for you, let the torturing ensue. My soul is useless without you. And if they sent a whirlwind, I'd hug it like a harmless little tree. Or an earthquake, I'd calm it, and I'd bring you back to me. And I'd hold you in my weak arms like a first born. Now, I've walked through hell for you. What is an adventurer to do but rest these feet at home with you ...


Raped and destroyed.

Fuck you, allergens.

Ps. Hold me back before I jump, before it turns ugly ... what a beauty.


Reality sets in.

This is it. The end, the beginning, the new, the old. Everything mixed into one, can you hear my heart beating fast, fast, faster? Emotions tumbling out and excitement bubbling over, I am over elated.

Infidelity. I take a stand, I start a riot, "Don't take it, don't take it!" Be true, be faithful, be good, be strong. But oh, what have I done, what have I done! I am weak, very weak - I was so strong before, before all of this happened, before all of him happened. Is he worth the price? It is a lie, we are a lie. A little BIG white lie, a little this, a lot of that. It would have never ended this way, or started this way for that matter. I blame it on her, am I being fair? I've always blamed it on the other girl, it was never really his fault. It's debatable, but for the most part, it's the girl, always the girl. I can be the girl, the good, the bad, the naughty, the innocent; all of the above. But I wasn't, I was her. I don't know how to express myself properly and I know I am not making sense. But for you, to you, you know exactly what I'm saying. Tell me that I'm okay, tell me that I am good, tell me that I am right, tell me something, anything. Supress it, reject it, ignore it, love it. I can't help it.


Oh, how I love it.

Time, sometimes the time just slips away and your left with yesterday, left with the memories. I, I'll always think of you and smile and be happy for the time I had you with me. Though we go our seperate ways, I won't forget, so don't forget the memories we made. Please remember I was there for you and you were there for me. Please remember our time together, the time was yours and mine and we were wild and free. Please remember, please remember me. Goodbye. There's just no sadder word to say, and it's sad to walk away with just the memories. Who's to know what might have been, we'll leave behind a life and time and we'll never know again. Please remember me and how we laughed and how we smiled and how this world was yours and mine, and how no dream was out of reach. I stood by you, you stood by me, we took each day and made it shine. We wrote our names across the sky, we rode so fast, we rode so free, and I had you and you had me. Please remember, please remember.

Mmm. I say a lot, all the time, everywhere. Do you listen to me, do you hear me? I think not. You see me, yes you do. I see you when you see me, I know what goes through your mind. You talk and I listen; I talk and you listen. What’s the use, we are all pretending! Have you ever been told not to put on a pretence? Do not listen, it is fun. We are fun, we run around all day and giggle like little kids. Mmm. We all just can’t get enough. The temptation is too great, I just cannot resist.

Ps. Will it ever be the same?
Pps. What’s the use? There is none, none of anything, so stop trying. I can’t, I can’t, I am torn and confused.

There is nothing more than this.

Fate is an elegant, cold-hearted whore. She loves salting my wounds, yes, she enjoys nothing more. I bleed confidence from deep within my guts, now I’m the king of this pity party with my jewel crusted crown. I wanna tear apart your room to see if what you say is true. Darling don't you lie, lie to me. I wanna break into your heart to see why you want us apart. Oh, I’m scared to death to find out what you think of me. According to you we don’t click, that’s a blatant lie and you know it. Angel, what are you hiding from me? If there is truly another secret lunch-break, working late lover then I would die, but at least then I’d be free.