Sober.

And I don’t know, this could break my heart or save me. Nothing’s real until you let go completely. So here I go with all my thoughts I’ve been saving, so here I go with all my fears weighing on me. Three months and I’m still sober. Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers, but I know it’s never really over. And I don’t know, I could crash and burn but maybe at the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me. So I won’t worry about my timing, I want to get it right. No comparing, second guessing, no, not this time. Three months and I’m still breathing. Been a long road since those hands I left my tears in but I know it’s never really over, no. Wake up. Three months and I’m still standing here. Three months and I’m getting better. Three months and I still am. Three months and it’s still harder now. Three months, I’ve been living here without you now. Three months. Three months and I’m still breathing. Three months and I still remember it. Three months and I wake up. Three months and I’m still sober.

Walking along the lake, hand in hand, the moon, the stars, the breeze, the silence. You and I. I take a breath and I smile, knowing that this will be the last of many memories of what has been. And even though it started off as a quick spark, brighter than anyone could imagine but with so much meaning, it ended all the same. Short and sweet, it's always better that way. We sit down on a polished rock, molded for couples to sit and stare out into the horizon. But sadly it is not for you and I, for though we are wrapped in each other's arms we are miles apart, drifting away. We knew from the beginning, I knew it from the start. But sometimes you can't help but get caught up in everything you do. I wish that it didn't have to be this way. I've wished so many times to be able to be a part of your life, to be accepted, to be loved, but as so many times before, nothing. Silence. More peaceful than awkward, we watch as the waves brush up against the protruding rocks and splash us ever so slightly. He feels a shiver run through my body and holds me closer as we both look up and gaze at the starry sky, knowing that this will be the end of it. And as we get up to part ways he wraps his arms around me, knowing that our time has come but wishing that this moment can last forever. He's not the only one. A kiss, our last, ever so gentle, sends every emotion I have rushing into him and his into me, and we know, yes we know. And as quickly as he comes he goes, into the night, no turning back. When I look back to the end of my first year away from home, I remember so much, and smile at the thoughts that come rushing into my head. I guess you could say that he's the one that sticks out the most, though. Saying goodbye was hard, but it was one of the most memorable times of my life. It was as perfect as any goodbye could be, and the time we spent together no words could ever explain. Yeah, it's hard, but life moves on. He's gone back to the life he left and I have returned to mine. We go about living with only the memories of the past in our heads, looking for more. But oh, those memories, those are what will stay with me forever, even though he is long, long gone.

I'm gonna miss you, and everything you made me feel inside.

Say you, say me.

The moon is fading, ready to end its shift for the night. The sun is preparing for another days work and I am sitting here, waiting, wishing, wondering.

Ponder.

Why is it that I can never commit? Not just to something, or someone, but to anything or anyone. Maybe it's not so much me as it is it, or them. We tend to brush off our inadequacies so quickly so that we don't have to take the blame, or the shame, or whatever consequences are to follow. Myself? Well, I tend to come about it in another way. I do what I do and think what I think and at the end of the day I justify my actions with my thoughts, and along with those thoughts I assign feelings, just to make myself feel more complete. When will I ever learn? Will I ever learn? It is an endless cycle of do-think-feel-fall, get up-smile-redo-rethink-refeel-refall. I know I shouldn't continue on living this way, but words are merely words and the actions that are supposed to go along with those words just won't follow. I have become so immune and so blind to this downfall that I don't even know what is what anymore.

I've become a split personality.

Half of me screams out 'JUST DO IT!' while the other half drags me into the corner and says 'STAY PUT!'. People think I am crazy when I tell them, they think I'm so naive and so dumb for believing that I really could do it, that I could make it. How many times I've tried to prove people wrong, only ending up in a rut and reaching out for help.

I just don't get it.

I guess you could say I torture myself. I want it so bad that I run over whoever and whatever stands in my way. And in that moment it is ecstasy, utter glory. But when the light fades it's back to the cycle I go, do-think-feel-fall, get up-smile-redo-rethink-refeel-refall. Stop wondering, stop thinking, stop feeling, stop doing. It's all stupid, idiotic, pointless, crazy. I am only a needle in a haystack, what does it matter anyway? I am no different. We are all the same. Needy human beings who will do whatever it takes to get whatever it is they want.

And at the end, I am tossed away as worthless as a piece of garbage littering the side of the road.

I've forgotten how good it feels to let it all out.

Confucious says ...

"Tomorrow will be too late to enjoy what you can today."

You learn something new every day.

Why should the wedding ring be worn on the fourth finger? There is a beautiful and convincing explanation given by the Chinese.

The thumb represents your parents.
The second finger represents your siblings.
The middle finger represents yourself.
The fourth finger represents your life partner.
The fifth finger represents your children.

Firstly, open your palms, face to face, and bend your middle fingers and hold them together, back to back. Secondly, open and hold your remaining three fingers and your thumb tip to tip.

Now, try to separate your thumbs, which represent your parents. They will open, because your parents are not destined to live with you for the rest of your lives. They will leave you sooner or later. Now, join your thumbs as before and separate your index fingers, which represent your siblings. They will also open, because your brothers and sisters will have their own families and will have to lead their own separate lives. Now, join the index fingers and separate your little fingers, which represent your children. They will open too, because your children will grow up, get married and settle down on their own some day. Finally, join your little fingers and try to separate your ring fingers, which represent your spouse.

You will be surprised to see that you just cannot separate them, because husband and wife are meant to be together all of their lives, through thick and thin.

Stressed.

H-E-L-P.

Happiness is a journey, not a destination.

It's times like these that make me remember how much fun life can be.



"Sing like nobody's listening, live like it's Heaven on Earth, work like you don't need money, love like you've never been hurt, and dance like no one's watching."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I guess it's just human nature to need and to want. To feel lonely when no one is around and to crave for attention is just part of life, is it not? Is this what all this is really about? Do I just want to be noticed, or is it something more? Are you just another one in my life who is testing the waters, or are there ulterior motives behind the actions? Or maybe it happened as a spur of the moment, no strings attached kind of thing. But a girl can't help but wonder. It feels like the last time, when I was so caught up that it got the better of me. Am I feeling this way because I am trying to justify my actions? Is there even a possibility of something greater, or am I just hanging onto a moment that meant nothing? People talk and I listen. Words that make me wonder if everything was just because things were a little out of control, people were a little out of their state of mind. So what will it be? I really should leave it all behind as I leave tomorrow, but I just can't seem to shake it. What has gotten hold of me? I need some clarity, and I need it now.

Driven to succeed.

Completely and utterly disgusted at myself.
Things need to change soon, and things need to change fast.

I must, I must, I must.

Repulsive, much?

Waiting to exhale.

How can something so twisted and so empty be so beautiful? Emotionless and stone cold but roaring with so much fire, desire that I cannot keep inside me.

"If they eyes are the window to the soul, then grief is the door. As long as it's closed it's the barrier between knowing and not knowing. Walk away from it and it stays closed forever. But open it, and walk through it, and pain becomes truth." -Dexter

I have been preparing for this my entire life.

Serenity.

I could ask for nothing more. Peace and calmness that transcends all feelings. The world so real that I can reach out and grab it. Sun pouring through the windows and I smile a real, genuine smile.

Ah-la-la-la-la-la-la life is wonderful,
Ah-la-la-la-la-la-la life goes full circle.
Ah-la-la-la-la-la-la life is wonderful,
Ah-la-la-la-la-la-la-la ...



It is everything I have ever imagined it to be.

Let it go, let it roll right off your shoulder. Don't you know the hardest part is over? Let it in, let your clarity define you. In the end we will only just remember how it feels. Our lives are made in these small hours, these little wonders, these twists and turns of fate. Time falls away, but these small hours, these small hours still remain. Let it slide, let your troubles fall behind you. Let it shine until you feel it all around you. And I don't mind if it's me you need to turn to, we'll get by. It's the heart that really matters in the end. Our lives are made in these small hours, these little wonders, these twists and turns of fate. Time falls away, but these small hours, these small hours still remain. All of my regret will wash away some how, but I cannot forget the way I feel right now. In these small hours, these little wonders, these twists and turns of fate. Time falls away but these small hours, these small hours still remain. These little wonders still remain.

Thoughtlessness.

"It's been a while and things have changed. I know that reality has caught up to the both of us and that we're just trying to make it through. Most of the time I don't even have a second thought about it. But then there are the times when one tiny little thought manages to sneak its way in and the floodgates open. And I'm rendered useless because all I can do is sit there and think and wish times hadn't changed. It's nothing big. Or maybe that's what I tell myself. But to pry myself away from the thoughts of the past in my head ... now that's a different story. The memories and the questions and the hopes that are now long gone ... Sometimes a girl just wants answers. And why no one has those answers are a mystery in itself. What I'm really trying to say is that I miss you. Not specifically in the way we had before, but even mere communication and understanding, it's not the same. People tell me you never love the same way twice. I wonder if it's true. But all I can do is wonder, until life brings me elsewhere. And until then I guess I'll just continue on and pretend like it doesn't matter. But when it comes down to it, I think you really know deep down inside."

Satisfaction.

There are times in life when life itself is moving too fast for you to keep pace with, and it is at times like these that you wish you could just slow down the world, take your time and set life in slow motion. It is also at these most crucial points in life where you choose to not follow in the hustle and bustle of those around you but instead to walk aimlessly, observing rather than pursuing.

In retrospect, I guess I've seen it all, done it all. I've been ahead of the crowd, leading and setting the pace. I've been in the crowd, following, going where my front, back, left and right took me. I've been behind the crowd, running to catch up, stopping for breath, trying to push my way in. But really, what good does it do, to be first, middle, or last? Is there any glory in being the leader or the follower? I'd much prefer to let the crowd pass me, with all its entirety a good distance away. Because what follows is a peace that transcends anything, everything. The knowledge that life has moved on past you, the knowledge that you are able to stand alone, unbothered and infinitesimal in a world so big, the knowledge that you can live your life the way you want it, the knowledge that nothing can come between you and yourself ... it is one in million.

It is sad to see how many people have thrown away the opportunity to actually live. Most don't even realize that it has come and gone. But for those who are able to capture it - it is where life truly begins.

Here and now.

Peace and serenity.
Love and security.
Joy and happiness.

This is life, and I couldn't ask for anything more.



There really is no place like home.

Awake.

Nostalgia haunts me.

Blankly staring into space, noises all around, the world fading away.




I want my mommy.

Revelations.

"Everyone hides who they are at least some of the time. Sometimes you bury that part of yourself so deeply that you have to be reminded it's there at all. And sometimes you just want to forget who you are all together. And what about me? Maybe I'll never be the human you wanted me to be. But I couldn't kill him. It wasn't me either. I'm not the monster he wants me to be. So I'm neither man nor beast. I'm something new entirely. My own set of rules. I'm me."
- Dexter

The devil's advocate.

Nothing but problems and pain. I don't need it and I don't want it, yet I'm losing grip, with nothing to hold on to. The world is turning against me and I stand alone.

What am I waiting for?



I don't need you.

Euphoric eyes.

Lost in another world, transcended in thought, immersed in beauty. I cannot bring myself to stop, I cannot tear myself away. Eyes wide in awe and I sit and stare, never blinking, never breathing.

Euphoric eyes shine so bright through that fading sunlight. Euphoric eyes, be mine, be afraid of daylight. Euphoric eyes, you can make them world’s collide and watch them fall with open eyes. It's up to you, so divine, you put me straight then make me slide. I need to see, I got to feel it. The look of yours just got me dreaming, no escape, don’t go leaving. Look at me.

Uninterested.

Dysfunctional.
Deprived.
Dreary.
Dull.
Dead.





What has my life become?

Fight for the right.

Ain't no way they can stop me now 'cause I'm on my way, I can feel my reign comin'. It's the blood of a champion pumpin' deep inside my veins, too much pride to be runnin'. I'ma give what I can and more, even if my blood, my sweat, and my tears don't mean nothin'. It's the heart of a champion, it's the heart of a champion in me.

And I'll fight for what I want, because I believe in it. They say I can't stop 'cause I won't stop, nothing's gonna get in the way of me now. Head set straight and mind in the right place, I'm right where I need to be. Size me up and I'll knock you down, it's the champion in me that's gonna fight. Bring it on, bring it on, bring it on.

Falling.

One, crossed out.
Two, thrown away.
Three, walked off.
Four, slapped in the face.
Five, torn apart.
Six ... well hello there, six.

Again?
I shall not. I will not.
But oh, how I long to ...

Maybe, maybe.
How do I know? Do they know? Who knows? She does, she does, only she knows both sides of the story. I must know!
Only time will tell.

And for now, I'll sit, and wait, and wonder, and count ...

One, crossed out.
Two, thrown away.
Three, walked off.
Four, slapped in the face.
Five, torn apart.
Six ...

Ps. The devil you are, you are the devil. Six, six, six ...

Dead silent.

When the words aren't spoken, when the efforts aren't put in, when the feelings aren't flowing, what are you to do?

I'm sitting, and I'm waiting.

Waiting for the words that won't be there.
Waiting for the efforts that I don't see.
Waiting for the feelings I don't feel.

So let's turn the tables and play it your way. I won't speak, I won't try, I won't feel. And let's see what you do, how you take it, how this all plays out.



There were times when I believed everything that was told to me. But time has shown that those words were empty and cold, and there were no intentions behind them to begin with. Oh, the ever failing trust in humanity.

I refuse to be just another girl used as a stepping stone towards self-righteousness. I stand on my own. Tease me and taunt me, I will not be phased. This girl has her eyes set on what she wants and nothing is going to get in the way.

And in time, maybe you will feel the way I feel. Maybe then you'll begin to understand who I really am, and how I played you as a fool.

Running out of words to say.

I used to spit fire, my words hot with passion. I used to give cold shoulders, cold hearts, cold stares. I used to smile with rage, and wrap myself in anger. And then life became so blank, emptiness surrounding me, engulfing me, eating me whole.

I tried to fill it with love.
I tried to fill it with lust.
I tried to fill it with sorrow.
I tried to fill it with perfection.
I tried to fill it with pain.
I tried to fill it with superficialness.
I tried to fill it with materialism.

I tried and tried and tried but couldn't.

But what I didn't know was that all I had to do was be me. How sad it is to look back and see that I wasted years and years of my life to try and fill this gaping hole in my heart with things that could never be. Ultimately, when I lost you, I thought I lost everything. But then reality kicked in and I saw that all this while I had been living a life that no one wanted to be a part of, a lie, a deceit, a pretense ... it was all fake, all of me, all of it, all the words and the feelings and the smiles and the tears - everything. It wasn't me. I wasn't me. I've come to see that to get through this life, to live in his world, I cannot pretend to be someone I'm not. I cannot cry behind the fake smiles and I cannot seeth with anger behind the joyfulness. I can only live as I would live, whether it be what you want from me or not. I am seeing myself in an entirely new light. I feel like I am starting over, and it feels like I have been given a second chance. A flower just as it is about to bloom, something so small and fragile yet something that has the potential to be something so much greater, so much prettier, so much better.



"Don't let your past decide your future."

Shadow of the day.

"I close both locks below the window,
I close both blinds and turn away.
Sometimes beginnings aren’t so simple,
Sometimes goodbye’s the only way.

And the sun will set for you,
And the sun will set for you.
And the shadow of the day,
Will embrace the world in grey,
And the sun will set for you."

Sometimes beginnings aren't so simple, sometimes goodbye's the only way. Starting from the beginning is never easy, not knowing whether things will work out, not knowing in which direction to head. And sometimes, goodbye is the only way that we can push ourselves towards a new beginning, towards the greater good. To be daring enough to take step the first step isn't easy, but sometimes it's the only way to let go and move on. And the sun will set for you. The end of a day but the beginning of another. New beginnings, new starts, new chances at redemption. Life goes on. And the shadow of the day will embrace the world in grey. Moving on to better days, leaving yesterday behind as a mere shadow of memory and towards a brighter future. To learn from the past and make the future even better, to embrace what is given and to use it to benefit life. And the day after today can be better than yesterday, and the day after that even better. So here's to tomorrow, full of opportunities. Opportunities to make yesterday not so bad, because of the wonder of today, and tomorrow.

"Man can only reach new shores if he has courage to lose sight of the old shores."

And so it begins.

2008!

It is, alas, truly a new beginning. So many times I have spoken of letting the past go. I guess I haven't failed at it in all it's entirety, but I do know that I have still hung on to things I should have let go of a long, long time ago. I've put it in words and sent it away, along with the feelings and the sadness that has hung in my heart. Sealed with a kiss and blown into the wind, it's time to move on from everything that has been. Is this going to be a good year? I don't know. But what I do know is that I am the only one who has control of how this year is going to begin, how this year is going to live out, and how this year is going to end. So with that said here is my one and only new year's resolution:

To live like this year is my last, with no regrets and no fears, no holding back.

Now that 2007 has ended, I have stopped to take a look at my life and to see what I need to change for 2008. I do realize that no one is perfect, but for the longest time I have taken the liberty to think and act as if I was the closest anyone has ever gotten. But what I see now is a little girl who desperately needed to find herself and who hid under a mask of uncertainty, clothing herself in everything she wished she was but realistically, everything she was very far from. So from here on out I've made a few wise yet realistic decisions.

1. I am going to fly solo for a while. And I know that I've said this many, many times before, only for me to find another guy that I've fall head over heels in like with, but this is for real. I'm at the age where I'm beginning to look for a serious relationship, someone that I can see myself with for a while down the road. By no means am I talking about marriage, but I am talking about commitment. And I think that before I commit myself, it is only fair if I straighten my life out and figure out what I want in a guy, or what I need in a guy, before I go and put myself in another relationship.
2. I am going to dedicate more of my time to family and school. I've begun to realize that my priorities weren't straight - I'd always thought that I had things exactly where I wanted them. But this break has been a real wake-up call for me, and I've begun to see that my marks are definitely more important than parties and intoxication, as well as the fact that I need to put my family before my constant desires to go out with friends and do whatever the hell I do.
3. I am going to be in control of my life. I've felt extremely out of control of everything around me, as well as myself, for a while now. Call me a control freak, but I need to be able to have a grasp on everything that is going on in my life. And at the moment, I feel like things are out of my reach and certain parts of my life are spiralling out of control. I need to regain composure of myself, of my life. Weed out things that are of no use, cut off things are giving me extra pressure.
4. I am going to have a lot more "me" time. I feel like I gave 2007 a lot, and by no means is that a bad thing. But at times I feel like I have nothing left to give, and I feel like I am stuck where I am with no way of getting out of this rut. I think it is time for me to find myself again. It is time for me to understand what it is that makes up this girl, what it is that I have to offer to others in my life. And so this is the year where a new change is going to take place, because there are no more confusions and no more lies - just me.
5. I am going to be happy. So many times I have felt like giving up hope, giving up on everything and everyone around me. I have felt my fair share of heartbreak, of pain, of loss, of hurt. I have had enough tears running down my face, enough sleepness nights filled with worry. I am done with giving second chances and asking for second chances. Because in the end, it is so not worth it. I am not saying that I am going to go through 2008 with no sadness and no hurt and no loss and no tears - don't get me wrong. It is only life to experience such things. What I am saying is that though there will be times like these, I will be optimistic, and I will look at the brighter side of things. I am not going to put myself in those positions anymore, because I have realized that I am prone to be blind to such things. But I am going to change, and I am going to look at the brighter side of life. After all, it's the year of two thousand and great, isn't it?! =)

And as these words are merely words to whoever is reading this, let these words develop meaning as I begin to work my way through 2008. I'm ready to take on this new challenge, full of spirit, full of energy, full of life. I want to be able to look back at myself on the same day next year, January 2nd [or January 1st if I'm not too hung over =)] and say, "I am not the girl I used to be. I have changed and I have lived a good a year, full of happiness, full of joy, with no regrets, no fears." So here goes my journey into 2008. May it be filled with wonders that I have never imagined, and in the end, may I come out a renewed and changed girl.