Fast me forward.

On hold. In a stand still. Non-blinking, non-breathing, non-moving. Just being. Things to occupy the mind in order to keep it from wandering, people to occupy the time in order to keep it from stopping. The world is on fast forward and I am on rewind, every two steps forward brings another five steps back. I am not ready to face the reailty that is so quickly approaching. I see them all ahead of me, laughing and glowing with glee. So why am I here, behind, so far behind, weeping? Have they learned something I have missed? Have they accepted facts that I am not willing to face? Or are they just concealing all that I am feeling, in hopes that their true emotions will never be found? Can I follow suite, burrying my feelings until I feel nothing, nothing at all? What am I supposed to do when all that I love is just out of my arm's reach? The people, the friends, the family, the love, the happiness, the joy, the security, the trust ... everything is around me, so why can I not reach it? I feel like life has passed me by and I don't know how to stop it, or to slow it down. I need to find my way back in, I need to find the place where I belong. Seventeen years. I am not ready to leave that all behind, just yet. I sit on the floor and pull out my hair, holding my head in my heads while tears seep through my fingers and spill onto the floor. I am too dependent, and I need you. I cannot leave. Not yet. I am not ready. But it is all coming too soon, rushing towards me, too fast, too quickly. They have gone, and I am left behind. Take me away, drag me away. It is the only means by which I will be able to let go of all this.

Contemplations.

She needs to feel loved. She needs to know that someone is there for her, that she can fall into that someone's arms and cry when she's feeling down. She needs to feel a comfort and security that she can only find with that someone. She needs to feel wanted. She needs to know that her affections are being returned, that the love is requited and not ignored. She needs a constant flow or reassurement, words and actions to let her know that everything is okay, that everything is going right.

She tells him she loves him. He nods his head and closes his eyes, tilting his head back. She looks at him with confusion in her eyes and dismisses his actions, only wishing that the words "I love you too" had come out of his mouth. She lays her head on his chest and hears his heart beat steadily. The only sound is the ticking of the clock as seconds, minutes, hours pass by. Neither move, a life-like replica of a painting sitting, just sitting.

How do you know? I was always so good at reading people, have I lost it? I can hardly tell anymore, there are words but there are no meanings. And at times there are meanings and no words, or a mixture of both. There are the actions that prove the words, but again, how do I know if there is meaning behind both? On my part, words can be spoken to sound meaningful but in reality, if analyzed to a further depth, are dripping with sarcasm. Actions can be done with no sense of attachment, merely actions for the sake of acting. A rock falling off a cliff. I have took the dive and plunged head first from a cliff, a cliff bigger than I could ever imagine. Was it a mistake? Was all this a mistake? Anything unrequited does not sit well. Especially love. Not that I am one to speak, but oh, the stories that I have heard. I only hope to find a solid ground on which to stand on, a firm foundation to know the truth behind it all. I have lost it, everything I once had. And now, I can only walk blindly in the dark, feeling around for something to grasp on to, holding on to that until another is found. And step by step, that is how this will be. That is, until a light appears from the darkness to guide me and to show me where this is all going. I guess I just have to be patient. It always seems to pay off that way.

I know what you mean, and where you're coming from, believe me. It's just that it would be so much easier, and so much better. And then I'd feel like we're getting somewhere.

Saying I love you is not the words I want to hear from you. It's not that I want you not to say them but if you only knew how easy it would be to show me how you feel. More than words is all you have to do to make it real. Then you wouldn't have to say that you love me because I'd already know.

Small minds and big conclusions.

Apethetically pathetic. Makes sense? Not so much to you, but in my head, everything is set right. To be frank, I don't know what I'm doing half the time. Scratch that ... most of the time. I go with the flow and smile and nod and everyone believes me, so much so that I begin to believe myself at times. Oh, what a terrible, tragic mistake. I do things and say things and act things that aren't me, I dance and flail and speak as if I know exactly what you mean. I go along and I play the part, and when it comes to the goodbyes and the tears I hug you and cry with you and it all ends there. But what do I really know? Some would say I have a stone heart for writing this next line, but this is me, and I cannot hide who I really am. If I don't know what I'm doing, if everything is a mockery of you and all you've done, how can it be real? It cannot be, it just cannot be real. All the things that you thought I meant I didn't, all the things that you thought I felt I didn't. It is what it is, and I know I should stop, I really should. The guilt nags at me time after time, stop doing that replaying in my mind like a broken record player. I lack what it is I need to stop, though. I am twisted, I am insincere, I am cruel, I am cold-hearted. I am a bitch, but I am everything you've wanted, and everything you've needed.

I have heard that it can take up to two years to completely get over the infatuation stage of a relationship. How much truth is behind that statement? I would really like to know if that is just some myth or if someone has actually proven it to be true. Either way, positions such as these are quite uncomfortable. Whether it be pure infatuation or true love [on his part, not mine; I know better than to believe in such nonsense], there was a spark, a something. It made my stomach do a small flip-flop, it made my heart flutter a little ... just a little. It made my knees go weak and my cheeks flush, and it made me want to be closer to you. I'm sure it was nothing serious. It can't be anything serious. I am moving on and you are staying back, watching me as I turn and walk away from all the possibilities. Maybe time will prove me wrong. But until then, this is where I stand, with my knees a little shaky, my hands a little clammy, my nerves in a little ball, my heart beating fast. My body in your arms, my arms around your body, my skin against your skin and your breath against my neck. Your lips against my lips and eternity is ours ...

I need to stop this brain from thinking ... pronto.

There's a place off Ocean Avenue where I used to sit and talk with you. We were both sixteen and it felt so right, sleeping all day and staying up all night. There's a place on the corner of Cherry Street, we would on the beach in our bare feet. We were both eighteen and it felt so right, sleeping all day and staying up all night. If I could find you now things would get better, se could leave this town and run forever. Let your waves crash down on me and take me away. There's a piece of you that's here with me. It's everywhere I go, it's everything I see. When I sleep, I dream and it gets me by. I can make believe that you're here tonight.

Ps. You are special and you can't be shared.
Pps. You told me that you would never, you would never. It scares me to believe it because never always breaks its promises, and then there'd be two broken halves and a broken girl.

Absolute.

In the arms of an angel, fly away from here. From this dark cold hotel room and the endlessness that you fear, you are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie. You’re in the arms of an angel, may you find some comfort here.

I want to hug you and feel your embrace, those arms around me, tight. I want to cover you in kisses and hold you so tight that you can't escape, that you can't get away. I want everything, I want to be with you. I want to talk to you, I want to laugh with you, I want to look into your eyes and stare into them forever. I want you, all of you, in all your entirety.

Broken this fragile thing, now. And I can't, I can't pick up the pieces, and I've thrown my words all around. But I can't, I can't give you a reason, I feel so broken up and I give up. I just want to tell you so you know. Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you. You are my only one, I let go, but there's just no one that gets me like you. You are my only, my only one. Made my mistakes, let you down and I can't, I can't hold on for too long. Ran my whole life in the ground and I can't, I can't get up when you're gone. And something's breaking up, I feel like giving up, I won't walk out until you know. Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you, you are my only one. I let go, but there's just no one that gets me like you do, you are my only, my only one. Here I go, so dishonestly. Leave a note for you, my only one, and I know you can see right through me. So let me go and you will find someone. Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you, you are my only one. I let go, but there's just no one, no one like you. You are my only, my only one.