And in that moment ...

I swear we were infinite.

"We don't love qualities, we love persons; sometimes by reason of their defects as well as of their qualities." -Jacques Jacques Maritain


Ignorance is bliss.

You pick at my flaws like dried up scabs, so irresistable, so tempting. Dead and nothing more, nothing more. It is nothing more than a fake perfection, one that no one can reach or achieve. Yet you try and try, constantly failing, constantly falling. Falling and failing. Open your eyes to the world and see that it cannot be, look at what is around you rather than focussing on your tunnel-vision mindset. It will not be simply because it cannot be - accept it or let it go, do not try and fix it until it matches the mold of your perfection. Subjective nonsense, I will not take it.


In this life.

Another candle on the cake, yet not much wiser.
Funny how life works.


In your mind's eye.

"You are my Sunshine, my only Sunshine, you make me happy when skies are grey. You'll never know, dear, how much I love you. Please don't take my Sunshine away."

I can't help but think about it day and night, night and day, it never stops, never. I want to give in so bad, but I know that I can't, not yet. It takes so much strength, so much willpower to hold myself back from what I want. But I know that if it's right, it will all be worth it in the end. To say yes or to say no, decisions beyond the mind can take.

And I would go to the ends of the earth.


There's nothing like freedom and love.

I am a puzzle scattered on the ground. He picks up the pieces and puts me back together, I am whole and it feels wonderful. He turns to you and says, "You give love a bad name." It is true, it is true. Undeniably, truthfully, true.

I want to be where the lights are, where the lights shine in the day and shine even brighter at night. I want to feel alive, to soak up the hustle and bustle as people rush by me, going on their way to pick up their child, to go home to their family, their wife, their husband, their everything, to get to work, to catch the bus, to go, to go. It never stops, I never stop, my heart beats faster, I hold on tighter. A little girl in a big world, it takes everything to stop me from following and going along. I want to be different, I want to be special, I want to be me. And if it weren't for the sparkle in his blue eyes, I know that I'd be gone, so long, long ago.

It comes at you fast, faster than you can ever imagine. Take it or leave it, it's up to you. I know I've made my choice, and I know that I will never regret it, never ever. I've regretted so much in the past that I vow to regret no more, I've had enough of my shares. Take a stand, make a choice, it is done, everything is done. Thank you.

Ps. A stress you can't shake, every little bit is worth it.


In the corner of your heart.

A fever you can't sweat out. It's only you and I in this world, you gave it to me, you gave it all to me. I thought it to be good, a time back then so long, long ago. But then again, I thought the world was good, I thought it all to be good. It is not stupidity nor is it naiveness, it is more ignorance than anything else, more ignorance than the both of us can handle. I push you and you push me back, we laugh, we cry, we enjoy and we die inside. You come, I go, we part and don't look back. Isn't that the way it's supposed to be? You told me that was it, I couldn't go wrong. I wander aimlessly with no sense of direction, no sense of time, no sense of who I am, where I am going, who I was, or what I am to become. It is terrible, oh, it really is. But you are happy and that makes one of us, so share the joy and spread the happiness. I have already said too much. I should take it back, take it all back, but then it will never be, no more. I want to eat my words and spit them out at you, I want to make you look into my eyes and tell me the truth. I want you to know, to feel, to be me and to understand. But I cannot, I cannot. I chew and chew and it is tasteless, bland and tasteless, just like my life. Just like me.

I can't say I didn't try. I can't say that I didn't play my part, I can't say that I didn't do what I thought was right. But I also can't say that I did everything the way it was supposed to be done, because I know I didn't. Tossed off and trampled on, again and again and again, life is what we love, live, laugh, lie. It's done, gone and flown away into the sky, such a bittersweet memory that it pains to bring it up, but the thoughts cannot be pushed aside. Live and let live, no more regrets, no more wrong moves, no more. I tried, I failed, I cry, I pick myself back up, life goes on and on and on. It's time I move on with that life, catch the next train that passes through. It my be my last chance. So go, go and get it, because I know you can.

Ps. This is our hell, stay forever, forever.


Share it with the world.

Never would I have thought it would come down to this. I guess it's wrong for me to say never, as the saying goes something along the lines of never say never. It is an oxymoron in itself, but that's beyond the point. What I'm trying to say is that my mind has taken me to places I would have never expected, beyond my wildest imagination. I'm scared, I'm terrified beyond belief. My nerves have finally gotten the better of me; how did I let this happen? I thought I knew better, I thought I was on the right track. I tend to think a lot of things, but hardly anything I think is right nowadays. Racing minds are not healthy for the body. Stop thinking, stop the thoughts, I just want to hear silence. No more stress, I want to be free. Take me away, I'm tired of sitting in the dark with only anticipation by my side. Stop the world from spinning, maybe then this pounding in my head will cease.

Ps. I don't want this, I don't want you, I don't want to feel anything but numbness. No more, no more.
Pps. Who knows, who knows but you and me and everyone and no one.


Your heart, no, your mind ... no, both.

How do you know where it ends, and when the beginning starts? Is it an ongoing process of a lifetime of confusion, or will things ever make sense? I am called a pessimism. You call me cynical, he says I am too negative, she says I need to stop looking at the glass half empty. I say, I simply don't care. Well, that was the way it was supposed to be, anyway. I don't care, I really don't. I've spent more time caring about you and you and him and her and this and that than I've spent on useful things. It's not a bad thing, it's not. It's rather healthy, this new outlook I'm experimenting with. But with everything, there's the bad that comes hand in hand with the good, and by the time I realize what the bad is, I am past the point of no return. So what now? I wish life were clear cut and simple, so much so that we'd all make the right decisions, all the time. I know I shouldn't, but I do, anyway. And at the times I know I should, why do I not? I thought I knew what I wanted, I thought I knew what was right. But I guess I really didn't know anything at all. Nothing about me, nothing about you, and nothing about you, either. It's surprising what you can find out when the heart begins to speak.

The fireworks lit up the sky and you saw me standing there, looking at you with sorrow-filled eyes and my heart full of regret. You turned your gaze back to the sky for a moment in time and I ran, I ran as far as I could. You looked back to where I once stood, your face illuminated by the now dying pieces of work in the sky. I was gone, I was long gone. I stopped in a clearing a way off, and as we both looked up into the dark, we whispered, I wish you knew.


Once in a lifetime.

Elegance, absolute and utter beauty. Dining with the president or high tea with the Queen, bah! Nonsense, it is nothing short of reality.


Says who?

I left you lying there by yourself, just lying there. I didn't know what to do, to sit, to stay, to get up, to leave? Your eyes were open and your breath shallow, breathing fast, breathing. I tried to help, but I was rendered useless. I thought I would cry, I really did. But nothing came out, my eyes were dry and there was nothing I could do.

I am not inferior nor superior, I must stop, I must. Sometimes, all the times, never, always? My mind plays tricks on me. It's not true, none of it, do not believe anything. Lies beyond lies, yet I still give in, anyway. Vulnerability and weakness? I think not.

This is how it works. You're young until you're not, you love until you don't, you try until you can't. You laugh until you cry, you cry until you laugh, and everyone must breathe until their dying breath. No, this is how it works. You peer inside yourself, you take the things you like and try to love the things you took. And then you take that love you made and stick it into someone else's heart, pumping someone else's blood, and walking arm in arm you hope it doesn't get harmed. But even if it does, you'll just do it all again.

You are my sweetest downfall, I loved you first.


Look, up there.

The sun, the rain, the clouds. Oh, the wind!
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. If only life were like that.

A heart only beats so many times in a life.

Ps. It was all so different then.
Pps. Carry on, carry on and on and on.


Battle cry.

I am a tyrant, a tyrant who will soon extirpate the vestiges of hope for the future. For what I see in my mind's eye, I cannot comprehend, and what I cannot comprehend shall not be. I bid it farewell, I bid you farewell, I say goodbye to everything I lost so long ago. What a pity, a tragedy in itself, for me to see it gone, see it disappear. But what the tyrant does cannot be stopped, not by you, not by anyone. What needs to be done shall be done and there will be no sorrow, no regrets, nothing. The end is near, can you see it coming? Can you feel it rushing through your veins, can you feel it in the beating of your heart? Stand your ground and be ready, for it is the best you can do.

Strong willed, strong minded. Nothing more, nothing less.

"Jealousy is a disease, love is a healthy condition. The immature mind often mistakes one for the other, or assumes that the greater the love, the greater the jealousy - in fact, they are almost incompatible; one emotion hardly leaves room for the other." -Jubal Harshaw Robert Heinlein in "Stranger In A Strange Land"

Ps. If you have it, you don't need to have anything else. If you don't have it, it doesn't matter much what else you have.


Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart.

How often we stumble and fall because our gaze is transfixed at what is behind us. It is only when we realize that we should not be looking at what has been, but rather, what is to become, that we can pick ourselves up and begin a journey towards the greater good.

If I could only decipher the insanity that runs through my mind at times like these, maybe I would begin to understand who I truly am. I'm sorry, I wish I could be better, I wish it didn't have to be like this. But it seems that my wishes are only hopes that fade away over time, as they never seem to come true, anyway. I think it's time I picked myself up from where I left off, sprawled on the ground, weeping. There's no use in walking towards a destination with your eyes focussed someplace else - the goal will never be reached. And so I must keep my chin up, keep my eyes fixed on what is ahead, not what is behind. I must learn to walk away from my long gone wishes and hopes of what could have been, and pursue my determinations and relentnesses [if there's no such word in the english dictionary, forgive me] of what is going to be. It's time to stand on my own two feet again. It's time things changed.

Mama just killed a man, put a gun against his head, pulled my trigger, now hes dead. Mama, life had just begun, but now I've gone and thrown it all away. Mama, didn't mean to make you cry, if I'm not back again this time tomorrow, carry on, carry on as if nothing really matters. Too late, my time has come, sends shivers down my spine, body's aching all the time. Goodbye everybody, I've got to go, gotta leave you all behind and face the truth. Mama, any way the wind blows, I dont want to die, I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all.


It just is, no questions or doubts.

"Love enables you to put your deepest feelings and fears in the palm of your partner's hand, knowing they will be handled with care." -Carl S. Avery

I think this is why I have such trouble with love.

Not that I really know what it is to begin with, anyway. But I stick to my deduction [experience is key], that I will never fall in love. Do not fret, my dear, there's plenty of time, plenty of people, plenty of lessons that are yet to be learned. There are plenty more melting hearts and heartbreaks, plenty more arguements and make-ups, plenty more of everything until I will truly understand the meaning of all this ... nonsense [if that day ever comes].

I want to, I need to, I have to, yet I can't. There is something wrong, something so drastically wrong with this picture. It's funny how everyone else can see it, feel it, know it, and I sit here as clueless as ever. Somebody help me, shake me, smack me, something! I think I am just too blinded by cynicism. Not so much my own, rather, those around me, those I see, the actions and the words, the intentions and what not. Am I confused? Most definitely. But what is a girl to do when she's backed up against the wall with no way out and a voice that cannot be heard? I want so much for people to know, but I can't risk it, I just can't. It needs to end, soon, faster, faster. I can't wait, I really can't.

Ps. It's all coming back to me now.
Pps. Why? Why not? How? It wasn't supposed to happen this way.


Oh yes.

To pick and choose from choices of this and that, full of "yes"s and "no"s and sometimes the "maybe"s, it's so easy that there must be a trick, a trap, there's always one of those. What to do, what to do! Oh, it is horrendous. Excitement, a rush, giddy and grinning. Is this really what true happiness feels like? Existence feels surreal, it is rather a floating between time and space, or is there even such thing? Who knows, who cares, who gives! Excitement, elated, ecstatic, enjoy!

I am so lovesick it scares me.

Ps. Wake up, wake up, wake you up, wake me up!
Pps. I want to dance and feel the heat, cha cha!


Big girls don't cry.

Questions without answers and terribly unsettling thoughts. If all that's left is to chase after something you are so afraid of, so uncertain of, what would you do? It makes me wonder. Can it just be about not giving a damn about what you feel, or can it just be? The thoughts of the past are so distant yet so prominent that I would die to relive a second, a mere moment of it. It is an idea that irks me. Yes, it is worrisome, so worrisome it has become tiring. Pain overridden by numbness. I am not a dumb girl. True, I may be naive at times, but what's to say that I can't see through everything? It was always a yes or a no, plain and simple, black was black and white was white. Now everything is bare and in the light, and what I once knew as simple is no longer so clear-cut. I've come to realize that indifference is not the answer. No, it is not the answer at all, to anything, really. Indifference is merely a mask to shadow the truth in a person's heart, to shut out the guilt and the "I-know-what's-right-but-I-don't-want-to" in a person's mind. It was better before, it was better. The shocking fact is not even the drastic difference, rather, it's the lack of anxiety. Strange? Perhaps. But the anxiety always presented itself for the good. There was a heart, a soul, a mind, a spirit, a fire deep down. What was so vibrant before is now a bland stare, a blank face, a stone heart, a cold shoulder. All I wanted was half a heart. A simple [or what I once knew to be simple] request gone down the drain, my dark secrets of the past piling higher and faster, faster and high. Never again, never again.

Does it hurt, to know I'll never be there?

Thanks for the memories, even though they weren't so great.

The smell of your skin lingers on me now, you're probably on your flight back to your home town. I need some shelter of my own protection, to be with myself instead of calamity. Peace, serenity. Fairytales don't always have a happy ending, do they? I foresee the dark ahead, so I just can't stay. The path that I'm walking, I must go alone, I must take the baby steps until I'm full grown. Like the little school mate in the school yard we'll play jacks and uno cards, I'll be your best friend and you'll be my valentine. Yes, you can hold my hand if you want to, 'cause I want to hold yours too. We'll be playmates and lovers and share our secret worlds, but it's time for me to go home. It's getting late and dark outside, I need to be with myself instead of calamity. Peace, serenity. I hope you know, I hope you know that this has nothing to do with you. It's personal, myself and I, we've got some straightening out to do. I'm going to miss you like a child misses their blanket, but I've got to get a move on with my life. It's time to be a big girl now, and big girls don't cry.

Ps. Some say I am known for my tendency to equivocate. I'm just trying to feel, to feel it all, really.


Second chances.

I'm sick of second chances. Cigarettes turn to ashes as I'm standing under street signs to know the places I've been my whole life. I watch the hours pass us, another one burns to ashes. I'm waiting for your phone call to come and save me so you can break my fall. I will stand outside and wait for you to come find me, I will keep on my light by my bed 'till you get home, and I won't sleep tonight 'till you get home. My bed light's burning brighter, boiled like a boxed in fighter. You've got me fighting pillows, my eyes just won't close 'till you're at my side. The hours slip to morning, I see the sun coming up. I'm turning off the TV, I'm watching faster than you gave up on me. I got your letters that you sent to me. It feel likes summer, but you're far away from me when I need you here.