Out with the old, in with the new.

"There are things that we never want to let go of, people we never want to leave behind. But keep in mind that letting go isn’t the end of the world, it’s the beginning of a new life.”

And with that I'm finally learning to let go of everything that has been 2007. There have been many ups, many downs, many smiles, many tears, much joy but much sadness as well. And when reflecting on what has been, it is only worth it to see the ups, the smiles and the joy, and to let the downs, the tears and the sadness slip through the cracks to be lost into a world of regret. If there is one thing that I have learned this year, it is that nobody can go back and start a new beginning, or change what they have done in the past. But anyone, anyone can start a new day, today, and make a new ending. Endings are sad, yes, to any degree that is it presented. Whether it is a heartbreak or a loss, endings are hard. Beginnings, on the other hand, can be quite scary. Embracing new things and leaving your comfort are not easy things to do. Yet the key is to remember that it's the middle that counts. Everything that happens after the beginning and before the end ... that is where life is lived. And it is so important to remember this in the beginning, when dreams you wish to seek seem far away and you are too weary to move on. I was once told this by a friend of mine, something that has really engraved itself in my heart. "May the best day of your past be your worst day of the future." Take a while, read it again, absorb it, breathe it in. Understand it and live by it. It is the eve of a new year. 2007 is wrapping up and 2008 is just about to begin. I have had many, many countless joys in 2007. But may the joys and happiness of 2007 be fickle compared to the happiness and joy I will experience in 2008. No more regrets, I'm leaving the past behind. Grieving is hard, but the sun is shining and the world is spinning and I am living, I am smiling. Happy New Year, everyone.

"Live this day as if it will be your last. Remember that you will only find 'tomorrow' on the calendars of fools. Forget yesterday's defeats and ignore the problems of tomorrow. This is it. Doomsday. All you have. Make it the best day of your year. The saddest words you can ever utter are, 'If I had my life to live over again ... ' Take the baton, now. Run with it! This is your day! Beginning today, treat everyone you meet, friend or foe, loved one or stranger, as if they were going to be dead at midnight. Extend to each person, no matter how trivial the contact, all the care and kindness and understanding and love that you can muster, and do it with no thought of any reward. Your life will never be the same again."


Dear Santa.

I sign my letter that I sealed with a kiss, I send it off and just said this - I know exactly what I want this year. Santa, can you hear me? I want my baby, my baby. I want someone to love me, someone to hold. Maybe, maybe he'll be all my own in a big red bow. Santa, can you hear me? I have been so good this year. All I want is one thing, tell me my true love is here. He's all I want, just for me underneath my Christmas tree. I’ll be waiting here, Santa that’s my only wish this year.

Share the love and spread the joy. Merry Christmas to one and to all! <3.


One last cry.

All cried out.

I'm finished with being selfish, with only thinking about myself when so many others around me need me so much more. I'm finished with being dependent, looking to others for answers to problems only I can solve. I'm finished with making stupid decisions and saying stupid things, because ultimately I cannot take back anything I've said.

And with that I'm holding on. Holding on to everything that I care about, holding on to everything that means something to me. Holding on to people that I second-guessed, holding on to people that I thought would not be a big deal to lose. Reality is, I need it, I need them, I need you. It took me long enough to realize that I've been a selfish girl all along, only looking for my needs, only looking for what I wanted. It's time that things changed. It's time that I changed. It's time that you changed.

Keep holding on, 'cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through. Just stay strong, 'cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you.


Recap '07, Part I.

Due to a failure of will to study:

1) Where did you begin 2007?
Nathan Phillips Square!
2) What was your status by Valentine's Day?
3) Were you in school anytime this year?
Unfortunately. As in, now. When I'd much rather be home.
4) How did you earn your money?
5) Did you have to go to the hospital?
Not that I can remember!
6) Did you have any encounters with the police?
Aberdeen LOL.
7) Where did you go on holiday?
8) What did you purchase that was over $1000?
An accumulation of many things I did not need, yet felt the urge to get.
9) Did you know anybody who got married?
Family friends.
10) Did you know anybody who passed away?
Knew OF somebody.
11) Did you move anywhere?
12) What concerts/shows did you go to?
The Hedley/George Nozuka/Keshia Chante one on New Years.
13) Are you registered to vote?
14) Who did you want to win Big Brother?
Definitely don't watch that show.
15) Where do you live now?
The K-Town. Or more specifically, Leggett Hall.
16) Describe your birthday.
It was a school day, like every other one of my birthdays.
17) What's one thing you thought you'd never do but did in 2007?
Do my own laundry/cook/take care of myself!
18) What has been your favorite moment?
Favorite moment? There have been many. Acceptance into University, MVP for volleyball, Sept. 15, losing things, gaining things ... =)
19) What's something you learned about yourself?
I have learned that I need to push myself more and that I am capable of more than I thought. And I've realized more about who I am, what I want and where I want to go. But most importantly, I've learned how I need to change to be a better person.
19) Any new additions to your family?
20) What was your best month?
21) What music will you remember 2007 by?
If You're Not The One- Daniel Bedingfield ; A Walk Through Hell- Say Anything ; Bed- J. Holiday ; Shake Tramp- Mariana's Trench ; I Don't Feel Like Dancing- Scissor Sisters
22) Who has been your best drinking buddy?
No one in particular.
23) Made new friends?
24) Best NEW friend?
Definitely the boyfriend!
25) Favorite Night out?
Random parties during Frosh Week, the night we drove to the middle of nowhere, got out of the car and looked at the stars in each other's arms ... <3.
26) Something you look forward to before 2008?
NOT HAVING MIDTERMS! And 4 months of summer. And 1 year with the boyfriend!
27) Where will you start 2008?
Anywhere I want!


My heart aches for you.

Early was the morn, flowers filled with dew. Softly as a child born in natural rain, I predict the seasons to go unchanged. Warm was the sun that covered my body so. Reminded me of you, as I’d first known. Those were the days, the days that changed my life and made me new. As the sun shined down on me, I know with you in love is where I wanna be. Sometimes, I go on through life, thinking that love is something that’s not meant for me. Sometimes in life you run across a love unknown. Without a reason, it seems like you belong. Hold on Dear Life, don’t go off running from what’s new.

Tears of sorrow, tears of pain. Tears that fell with no one to wipe them away. My heart shattered into pieces as I reached out to try to touch you, to hold you, to feel you. But I could not, I could not. I sat there crying because that was all I could do for you. I closed my eyes and saw the hurt on your face, I drew closer to you and I could feel the guilt. I only wish to be a better person to you, because in reality I am not the one who deserves more. I made my promises and I am to keep them, to be there no matter what happens, through thick and thin, through the good and the bad. And I am not going to leave, no matter how much you try and push me away to find a better person to be with. You have done what no one else was willing to do for me, you have given me what no one else was willing to give me. You showed me what love was, you opened up doors and windows and showed me horizons that I'd never thought I'd see. I became someone when I found you. And I hope that one day you will learn to change, and learn to see yourself as who I see you to be. But until that day I will sit here waiting for you, always, always.

I became somebody through loving you.


Caught beneath a landslide.

A man a plan a canal panama.
A man a plan a canal panama.
A man a plan a canal panama.

What obscene miracles life bring us! Astonishing and astounding and magical and wondrous all in one. How I urge to find it all out, to discover it, to unravel the mysteries behind such things! I am amazed.

8 days of self-punishment. 8 days of devotion. 8 days of unrelentlessness. 8 days of clarity. 8 days of determination.

Let it begin.


Free falling.

Oh, such rebellion! You tell me not to and I strive for it even more, you tell me not to jump and I take a bigger leap. You tell me I can't fly - why can't I fly? I am a bird, I am a plane, I am Superman. I fly, I fly, I fly! But alas, as everything goes, reality kicks in and I fall, fall, fall, continually falling into blackness, an endless abyss of nothingess.

I'm crashing and I'm burning and I'm hitting the ground. There's no where left to go but up, you say. And I say ...

Watch me.

"The great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do." -Walter Bagchot


Who I was hates who I've become.

Flashback 10.18.05:

"What a sucker I am for sweet guys.
I find the most joy out of the simplest things.
The simplest gesture, the simplest gift.
The simplest guy.

I want a guy who can make me feel secure above all things.
I want him to be there no matter what, and for him to know that I'd do the same.
I want him to hold me when I feel completely torn and to laugh with me when times are good.
I want him to think I'm beautiful no matter how I look or how I dress.
I want him to my hand and tell me everything is alright, that he's in heaven whenever we're together.
I want him to be wild and spontaneous and take me out to random places where we can dance the night away, or sweet and romantic, bringing me to a nice dinner where we can talk 'till the sun comes up.
I want him to be my prince, to live out my fairytale with me, to lie under the stars together, falling asleep in each others arms.
I want him to always be able to put a smile on my face, even through the worst of times.
I want him hold me so tight so that we'd never let go, and I want him to be waiting there for me, arms out, ready to embrace me when I need a friend.
I want him to feel that I'm one of the best things in his life, to be able to boast to his friends and to tell them that he's found the perfect one.
I want him to kiss me on the forehead and tell me that everything will be alright even though the world feels like it is going to end.
But most of all, I want him to love me for me.
Not because I'm pretty, or because I dress a certain way.
I want him to love me and to hold me, telling me that things are just fine because we're together, because he'll never leave me and because he really loves me.

I'm not a hopeless romantic.
I don't think so anyways.
All I want is a good guy.
A decent, genuine guy.
Is that too much to ask for?

How naive, how fragile she was. Where did she go, who is this now? No traces, no hints, just words, an abundance of words. Words beyond words and meanings that delve in too deep. I want to see her, to talk to her, to be her. I want to know and feel and live the way she does, the way she did. Pure and innocent, looking only for love. A love that I have found, but the purtiy, gone. Skeletons in the closet that scream to be let out, but I cannot, I must not. I have found it, the one thing that everyone searches for in life. It is perfect and everything I've ever wanted, but I am missing, she is missing. Optimism turned into cynicism, pessimism, innocence turned into darkness, guilt. I must let go and live, I must cherish what I hold on to now. I must smile a true, genuine smile, I must feel what I have been overlooking. I must find her, I must be her. And when all that's said and done, I will let go and love.

Ps. How lucky I am to have stumbled upon you on that bright, sunshine-filled day. You're everything I've ever wanted.



He stood there under the sunlight, a serene figure with arms wide open.

"Now everything has changed, I'll show you love, I'll show you everything."

And I believe it, I know it's true.


Forgive, but don't forget me.

Stumbling blindly in the dark, eyes sealed shut, blackness all around. The only sense of direction is what I can feel, touching, touching. A flat surface ... a wall ... one, two, three, four. Everything around is surreal, from the ground my two feet are standing upon to the sounds I hear resounding like voices in a deep cave. Are they calling my name? They are but faint echoes, screams, shouts, moans, cries of despair - the voices of the dead, perhaps, or the dying, people who are just like me. Crawling, clawing, trying to escape this horrid place; where am I, how did I get here? Rigid walls built so high that they tower over me, a needle in a haystack that no one gives half a damn enough to look for. I drift away, looking for answers, searching but finding no explanations, no understandings, nothing. Blank after blank after blank, the power of a subdued memory is greater than the human mind knows [oh the irony!]. I am my own prisoner imprisoned in me. Walls of guilt built over the years, brick after brick has been piled as sin after sin has been committed. Who can break down the wall but me, who can free me from this misery but myself?

"To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prison was you." - Lewis B. Smedes

It is said that there is no love without forgiveness, and no forgiveness without love. It is in times like these that you realize how deep words can touch you, and how striking the meanings of these words are. Forgiveness has always been a fall-back, a tool of sorts used to manipulate people and situations for nothing but selfish reasons. How wrong, how terribly wrong that view is. You live, you learn. Forgiveness is an act of love, an act of kindness that comes solely from the heart. Without forgiveness, this world would be in utter devistation, a world full of communism and fatality and war and misunderstanding. It is forgiveness that saves us from a world such as this, that saves me from losing what I value most dearly in my life. And for that I am so thankful, because I know that the world would no longer be spinning if you hadn't looked past everything and forgiven me out of love. It is truly a miracle, life and love, love and life.


Live and laugh and love life.

Rejoice, for it is the season, it is the time. The old has gone and with the tide the new is being brought in. New life, new sounds, new beings, new things. It is all about what we don't have and what is yet to come. Sing along to a happy song, spin around, jump up and down. Smile as bright as the sun and laugh a hearty laugh. Today is the day when troubles no longer exist and the world is at peace. Sporadic insight, how wonderful! What a delight it is to be here, to live, to exist. The simple pleasures are life's greatest pleasures, do not take them for granted as so many have done in the past. Live and laugh and love life.

This is what perfection feels like.


Feel the beating of the drums.

What a fool, what a tool. An alias to disguise the truth. I say it is so, you follow through - we all go through with it - why? To put yourself in the position to be stabbed in the back and to be torn from the inside out - why? A question too profound to be answered by even the most highest ranking geniuses. But I say, why not? To sacrifice everything for that one moment of glory, happiness, true joy - love - why not? Over-empowering and omnipresent, we all live for that one moment in our lives where we can reach out and grab it. And in that one moment, nothing else matters, no one else matters but yourself, you and I. And even though you live to be a hundred and three, the physical deteriorated and the body but a vegetable, the heart still beats on in rememberance, forever, forever.


When all is said and done.

There's nothing you can say, nothing you can do. There's nothing in between, you know the truth. Nothing left to face, theres nothing left to lose, nothing takes your place. When they say you're not that strong, you're not that weak, it's not your fault. And when you climb up to your hill, up to your place, I hope you're well. There's nothing left to prove, there's nothing I won't do, there's nothing like the pain I feel for you. Nothing left to hide, nothing left to feel, I am always here. What you want, what you lost, what you had, what is gone is over. What you got, what you love, what you need, what you have is real. It's not enough, it's not enough, I'm sorry it's not enough.

Standing there - I can't believe you came. It's 3 o'clock in the morning and it's pouring rain. There's something about the kind of love that you bring, can't put my finger on it - guess it must be all these things. The little things that you do, they make my heart beat for you. All these things, the little things mean so much. You remind me each time we touch of all the little things. Sometimes it seems you think of everything, you never cease to amaze. All the little things that you do keep me in love with you, baby.

If ever you wonder if you touched my soul, yes, you do. Since I met you, I'm not the same, you bring life to everything I do. Just the way you say hello, with one touch I can't let go. Never thought I'd fall in love with you. Because of you, my life has changed, thank you for the love and the joy you bring. Because of you, I feel no shame, I'll tell the world it's because of you. Sometimes I get lonely and all I gotta do is think of you. You've captured something inside of me, you make all of my dreams come true. It's not enough that you love me for me, you reached inside and touched me eternally. The magic in your eyes, true love, I can't deny. When you hold me, I just lose control. I want you to know that I'm never letting go. You mean so much to me, I want the world to see it's because of you.

If you're not the one then why does my soul feel glad today? If you're not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way? If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call? If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all? I never know what the future brings, but I know you are here with me now. We'll make it through and I hope you are the one I share my life with. I don't wanna run away but I can't take it, I don't understand. If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am? Is there any way that I can stay in your arms? If I don't need you then why am I crying on my bed? If I don't need you then why does your name resound in my head? If you're not for me then why does this distance maim my life? If you're not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife? I don't know why you're so far away but I know that this much is true. We'll make it through and I hope you are the one I share my life with. And I wish that you could be the one I die with. And I'm praying you're the one I build my home with. I hope I love you all my life. 'Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away. And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today. 'Cause I love you, whether it's wrong or right, and though I can't be with you tonight you know my heart is by your side.


Brace yourself.

New beginnings are awaiting. Life is finally unravelling itself and I cannot sit still. Independence is upon me and I am grasping it tightly with both my hands, so tight my knuckles are turning white. And I am smiling. It is time to let go and move on. It is time that I become who I was truly made to be.


Fast me forward.

On hold. In a stand still. Non-blinking, non-breathing, non-moving. Just being. Things to occupy the mind in order to keep it from wandering, people to occupy the time in order to keep it from stopping. The world is on fast forward and I am on rewind, every two steps forward brings another five steps back. I am not ready to face the reailty that is so quickly approaching. I see them all ahead of me, laughing and glowing with glee. So why am I here, behind, so far behind, weeping? Have they learned something I have missed? Have they accepted facts that I am not willing to face? Or are they just concealing all that I am feeling, in hopes that their true emotions will never be found? Can I follow suite, burrying my feelings until I feel nothing, nothing at all? What am I supposed to do when all that I love is just out of my arm's reach? The people, the friends, the family, the love, the happiness, the joy, the security, the trust ... everything is around me, so why can I not reach it? I feel like life has passed me by and I don't know how to stop it, or to slow it down. I need to find my way back in, I need to find the place where I belong. Seventeen years. I am not ready to leave that all behind, just yet. I sit on the floor and pull out my hair, holding my head in my heads while tears seep through my fingers and spill onto the floor. I am too dependent, and I need you. I cannot leave. Not yet. I am not ready. But it is all coming too soon, rushing towards me, too fast, too quickly. They have gone, and I am left behind. Take me away, drag me away. It is the only means by which I will be able to let go of all this.



She needs to feel loved. She needs to know that someone is there for her, that she can fall into that someone's arms and cry when she's feeling down. She needs to feel a comfort and security that she can only find with that someone. She needs to feel wanted. She needs to know that her affections are being returned, that the love is requited and not ignored. She needs a constant flow or reassurement, words and actions to let her know that everything is okay, that everything is going right.

She tells him she loves him. He nods his head and closes his eyes, tilting his head back. She looks at him with confusion in her eyes and dismisses his actions, only wishing that the words "I love you too" had come out of his mouth. She lays her head on his chest and hears his heart beat steadily. The only sound is the ticking of the clock as seconds, minutes, hours pass by. Neither move, a life-like replica of a painting sitting, just sitting.

How do you know? I was always so good at reading people, have I lost it? I can hardly tell anymore, there are words but there are no meanings. And at times there are meanings and no words, or a mixture of both. There are the actions that prove the words, but again, how do I know if there is meaning behind both? On my part, words can be spoken to sound meaningful but in reality, if analyzed to a further depth, are dripping with sarcasm. Actions can be done with no sense of attachment, merely actions for the sake of acting. A rock falling off a cliff. I have took the dive and plunged head first from a cliff, a cliff bigger than I could ever imagine. Was it a mistake? Was all this a mistake? Anything unrequited does not sit well. Especially love. Not that I am one to speak, but oh, the stories that I have heard. I only hope to find a solid ground on which to stand on, a firm foundation to know the truth behind it all. I have lost it, everything I once had. And now, I can only walk blindly in the dark, feeling around for something to grasp on to, holding on to that until another is found. And step by step, that is how this will be. That is, until a light appears from the darkness to guide me and to show me where this is all going. I guess I just have to be patient. It always seems to pay off that way.

I know what you mean, and where you're coming from, believe me. It's just that it would be so much easier, and so much better. And then I'd feel like we're getting somewhere.

Saying I love you is not the words I want to hear from you. It's not that I want you not to say them but if you only knew how easy it would be to show me how you feel. More than words is all you have to do to make it real. Then you wouldn't have to say that you love me because I'd already know.


Small minds and big conclusions.

Apethetically pathetic. Makes sense? Not so much to you, but in my head, everything is set right. To be frank, I don't know what I'm doing half the time. Scratch that ... most of the time. I go with the flow and smile and nod and everyone believes me, so much so that I begin to believe myself at times. Oh, what a terrible, tragic mistake. I do things and say things and act things that aren't me, I dance and flail and speak as if I know exactly what you mean. I go along and I play the part, and when it comes to the goodbyes and the tears I hug you and cry with you and it all ends there. But what do I really know? Some would say I have a stone heart for writing this next line, but this is me, and I cannot hide who I really am. If I don't know what I'm doing, if everything is a mockery of you and all you've done, how can it be real? It cannot be, it just cannot be real. All the things that you thought I meant I didn't, all the things that you thought I felt I didn't. It is what it is, and I know I should stop, I really should. The guilt nags at me time after time, stop doing that replaying in my mind like a broken record player. I lack what it is I need to stop, though. I am twisted, I am insincere, I am cruel, I am cold-hearted. I am a bitch, but I am everything you've wanted, and everything you've needed.

I have heard that it can take up to two years to completely get over the infatuation stage of a relationship. How much truth is behind that statement? I would really like to know if that is just some myth or if someone has actually proven it to be true. Either way, positions such as these are quite uncomfortable. Whether it be pure infatuation or true love [on his part, not mine; I know better than to believe in such nonsense], there was a spark, a something. It made my stomach do a small flip-flop, it made my heart flutter a little ... just a little. It made my knees go weak and my cheeks flush, and it made me want to be closer to you. I'm sure it was nothing serious. It can't be anything serious. I am moving on and you are staying back, watching me as I turn and walk away from all the possibilities. Maybe time will prove me wrong. But until then, this is where I stand, with my knees a little shaky, my hands a little clammy, my nerves in a little ball, my heart beating fast. My body in your arms, my arms around your body, my skin against your skin and your breath against my neck. Your lips against my lips and eternity is ours ...

I need to stop this brain from thinking ... pronto.

There's a place off Ocean Avenue where I used to sit and talk with you. We were both sixteen and it felt so right, sleeping all day and staying up all night. There's a place on the corner of Cherry Street, we would on the beach in our bare feet. We were both eighteen and it felt so right, sleeping all day and staying up all night. If I could find you now things would get better, se could leave this town and run forever. Let your waves crash down on me and take me away. There's a piece of you that's here with me. It's everywhere I go, it's everything I see. When I sleep, I dream and it gets me by. I can make believe that you're here tonight.

Ps. You are special and you can't be shared.
Pps. You told me that you would never, you would never. It scares me to believe it because never always breaks its promises, and then there'd be two broken halves and a broken girl.



In the arms of an angel, fly away from here. From this dark cold hotel room and the endlessness that you fear, you are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie. You’re in the arms of an angel, may you find some comfort here.

I want to hug you and feel your embrace, those arms around me, tight. I want to cover you in kisses and hold you so tight that you can't escape, that you can't get away. I want everything, I want to be with you. I want to talk to you, I want to laugh with you, I want to look into your eyes and stare into them forever. I want you, all of you, in all your entirety.

Broken this fragile thing, now. And I can't, I can't pick up the pieces, and I've thrown my words all around. But I can't, I can't give you a reason, I feel so broken up and I give up. I just want to tell you so you know. Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you. You are my only one, I let go, but there's just no one that gets me like you. You are my only, my only one. Made my mistakes, let you down and I can't, I can't hold on for too long. Ran my whole life in the ground and I can't, I can't get up when you're gone. And something's breaking up, I feel like giving up, I won't walk out until you know. Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you, you are my only one. I let go, but there's just no one that gets me like you do, you are my only, my only one. Here I go, so dishonestly. Leave a note for you, my only one, and I know you can see right through me. So let me go and you will find someone. Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you, you are my only one. I let go, but there's just no one, no one like you. You are my only, my only one.



I screwed up. I'm sorry, I knew it would end this way, I knew it all along. I knew it and I ignored it like I always do, and I'm back here on my ass, just like before. It's the same everytime, it's always the same ... every fucking time.

If it happens once, shame on you. If it happens twice, shame on me. And if it happens three times, well, you're just a fucking idiot, aren't you?

I was the girl. I fucked it up. I fucked you up, I fucked me up, I fucked it up. I hope it's only you and I who can see that, the world would judge, I know they would. Don't tell, close your eyes, shut your ears and zip your mouth. Ignore it and pretend like you didn't see it, didn't hear it, didn't talk about it, didn't have any relation to it. I wanted to be good, so good, so unbelievably good. I was good, don't you agree? Nothing short of cockiness, but it's not what I'm made of, it really isn't. You know me better than that, you and I both know that much. But everything here [the rambles and such that occur without my concious knowledge] is besides the point, the point that I refuse to get to. It's the simple fact that I do not want to dwell on it. The good, the bad, and the plain butt ugly. We did it, and it was so wrong that it was right. Words cannot explain the mixed emotions and the drama that everything held, it is too bad to be good but too good to be bad. Hands down, it shouldn't have ended like that. Hold on ... let me rephrase myself. Hands down, it shouldn't have started like that. It ended well, I am proud of you for standing up for what is right, because I wouldn't have said a word. It's those guilty thoughts, that voice inside your head that smacks you back to where you should be. It's hard to admit your wrongdoings, believe me, I've tried. Never the less, the freedom from guilt is exhiliarating, just like she told me it'd be. I believe her, just like I believed you. Was it wrong to? I guess we'll never know.

But really, I should leave you, and you should leave me. That's the way it should have been, that's the way it has to be. I have no choice. I'm sorry, so sorry. There are a lot of stupid things I've done in life, but this by far tops it all. Take back your apology, it was meaningless to me. Sorry is not what you should be saying, it should be the words coming out of my mouth. And I'm not even woman enough to apologize to you, so here it is, my heart, everything. It was stupid, I was stupid, it was all just one big mistake. We should have known.

Forgive and forget, leave it and move on, the world spins and life continues, the clock is ticking. Walk ahead a little farther, a little quicker, a little stronger. Try a little harder, get a little better, run a little faster, grow a little stronger. It is said. Now let it be done.


Say anything.

Try a little more, a little more, a little more. They slap you like a bitch and you take it like a whore. Upside down and around and around, just another piece 'till you need another sound. Faze them out I know what you scream about, don't let me down.

And the guilt in me is the hurt in you.
And the hurt in you is the lost in me.
And the lost in me is the need in you.
And the need in you is the guilt in me.

And if I could swim I'd swim out to you in the ocean, swim out to where you were floating in the dark. And if I was blessed I'd walk out to you on the water to lend you some air for that heaving, sunken chest. 'Cause they chose you as the model for their empty little dreams, with your new head and your legs spread like a filthy magazine. And they hunt you and they gut you and you give in. And if I was brave I'd climb up to you on the mountain. They led you to drink from their fountain, spouting lies. And I'd slay the horrible beast they've commissioned to steer me away from my mission to your eyes. And I'd stand there like a soldier with my foot upon his chest, with my grin spread and my arms out in my bloodstained Sunday's best. And you'd hold me I'd remind you who you are under their shell. I'd walk through hell for you. Let it burn right through my shoes, these soles are useless without you. Through hell for you, let the torturing ensue. My soul is useless without you. And if they sent a whirlwind, I'd hug it like a harmless little tree. Or an earthquake, I'd calm it, and I'd bring you back to me. And I'd hold you in my weak arms like a first born. Now, I've walked through hell for you. What is an adventurer to do but rest these feet at home with you ...


Raped and destroyed.

Fuck you, allergens.

Ps. Hold me back before I jump, before it turns ugly ... what a beauty.


Reality sets in.

This is it. The end, the beginning, the new, the old. Everything mixed into one, can you hear my heart beating fast, fast, faster? Emotions tumbling out and excitement bubbling over, I am over elated.

Infidelity. I take a stand, I start a riot, "Don't take it, don't take it!" Be true, be faithful, be good, be strong. But oh, what have I done, what have I done! I am weak, very weak - I was so strong before, before all of this happened, before all of him happened. Is he worth the price? It is a lie, we are a lie. A little BIG white lie, a little this, a lot of that. It would have never ended this way, or started this way for that matter. I blame it on her, am I being fair? I've always blamed it on the other girl, it was never really his fault. It's debatable, but for the most part, it's the girl, always the girl. I can be the girl, the good, the bad, the naughty, the innocent; all of the above. But I wasn't, I was her. I don't know how to express myself properly and I know I am not making sense. But for you, to you, you know exactly what I'm saying. Tell me that I'm okay, tell me that I am good, tell me that I am right, tell me something, anything. Supress it, reject it, ignore it, love it. I can't help it.


Oh, how I love it.

Time, sometimes the time just slips away and your left with yesterday, left with the memories. I, I'll always think of you and smile and be happy for the time I had you with me. Though we go our seperate ways, I won't forget, so don't forget the memories we made. Please remember I was there for you and you were there for me. Please remember our time together, the time was yours and mine and we were wild and free. Please remember, please remember me. Goodbye. There's just no sadder word to say, and it's sad to walk away with just the memories. Who's to know what might have been, we'll leave behind a life and time and we'll never know again. Please remember me and how we laughed and how we smiled and how this world was yours and mine, and how no dream was out of reach. I stood by you, you stood by me, we took each day and made it shine. We wrote our names across the sky, we rode so fast, we rode so free, and I had you and you had me. Please remember, please remember.

Mmm. I say a lot, all the time, everywhere. Do you listen to me, do you hear me? I think not. You see me, yes you do. I see you when you see me, I know what goes through your mind. You talk and I listen; I talk and you listen. What’s the use, we are all pretending! Have you ever been told not to put on a pretence? Do not listen, it is fun. We are fun, we run around all day and giggle like little kids. Mmm. We all just can’t get enough. The temptation is too great, I just cannot resist.

Ps. Will it ever be the same?
Pps. What’s the use? There is none, none of anything, so stop trying. I can’t, I can’t, I am torn and confused.

There is nothing more than this.

Fate is an elegant, cold-hearted whore. She loves salting my wounds, yes, she enjoys nothing more. I bleed confidence from deep within my guts, now I’m the king of this pity party with my jewel crusted crown. I wanna tear apart your room to see if what you say is true. Darling don't you lie, lie to me. I wanna break into your heart to see why you want us apart. Oh, I’m scared to death to find out what you think of me. According to you we don’t click, that’s a blatant lie and you know it. Angel, what are you hiding from me? If there is truly another secret lunch-break, working late lover then I would die, but at least then I’d be free.


Relax, take it easy.

Took a ride to the end of the lane where no one ever goes. Ended up on a broken train with nobody I know. But the pain and the longing's the same when you're dying, now I’m lost and I’m screaming for help alone. Relax, take it easy, for there is nothing that we can do. Relax, take it easy, blame it on me or blame it on you. It’s as if I’m scared, it’s as if I’m terrified. It’s as if I'm scared, it’s as if I’m playing with fire - scared. It’s as if I’m terrified, are you scared? Are we playing with fire? Relax, love, there is an answer to the darkest times. It’s clear we don’t understand it, but the last thing on my mind is to leave you. I believe that we’re in this together. Don’t scream – there are so many roads left.

I am bubbling and boiling and perspiring and agitated. It follows me like a shadow and I cannot escape it. Is there no end to this madness? I am frail and he is not aware of it, breaking me apart piece by piece, slowly, painfully. I want to be alone, alone in a world where there are no people, no bothers, no distractions. I want to live and be free, instead of being tied down by all this, all that. I want to run free, fly high, soar around and laugh a deep, passionate, geniuine laugh. I want so much but I cannot achieve anything, any of it. How many times must I reiterate myself before it is clear? I do not know how much more of this I can take. You take a step and I run, you chase me and I run harder, faster. You push me and I push back, you pull me in and I move away. You try and try but your efforts are pointless, I do not want it. I tell you and my words come out clear, can you not hear them? You tell me they are but indistinct sounds, mumbles and grunts and everything incoherent. Should I scream, should I shout, should I spell it out for you? I have tried everything and I am powerless, I sit and hold my now throbbing head in my hands, weeping. Stop the pressure, stop the pain, I want it all to go away. I will hurt or you will hurt, one or the other, no doubts about it. I hold the decision in my hands and it is terrible, I am terrible. But I can no longer take it, I cannot show my face any longer. It finds me and attacks like none other, a vicious beast that thrives off my fear. So I hang my head in hopes that it will not recognize me, I move on, I move on. And there it is, the answer you have been waiting for. I cannot, I will not, I stall and I falter, I stutter and I tremble. But the truth is so, it cannot be hidden, I cannot wait any longer. I am sorry, so sorry, I know, I know. But sometimes, love just isn't enough.

"No one knows why, but sometimes, you meet the right person at the wrong time. And sometimes, you meet the wrong person at the right time. The trick in life is meeting the right person at the right time and being able to know the difference."

Ps. Oh, how profound! From the words of the wise, the unbearable truth: Love will tear us apart.



Twisting and turning and tumbling upside-down, I am tired of having to deal such unimportant things. I can do it, I know I can, so don't tell me I can't, don't tell me I'll never get that far. I've always wanted to tell you that I loved you, that I loved you more than I could ever imagine. But love is a choice, and I choose not to love, not to believe in love. Simply put, it does not exist, life does not exist. Life is a lie and lies are life, to find a life without a lie is to find heaven, to find perfection. A perfection which does not exist, mind you, but you can keep trying for it, anyway.

To bare my heart and soul and mind and everythings to you is to confess righteously all I have done, and revealing my innermost secrets is to willingly accept a consequence that I cannot face. I am tieing a string around a black balloon to take me away, so that I can fly up high to see the world, to see all that is around me. The black balloon of my lies and sins and guilts and terribleness, the black balloon that is going to free my heart and soul and mind. It will fly, and I will fly. And when it begins to die, slowly, slowly, I will die with it, piece by piece. It is life. No, it is a lie. It is the lie of life.

Mindless actions of expression and faded smiles, a heart that beats fainter than the cars on a desserted country road. Outside, inside, everywhere, it is disappearing and gone, I am lost and I sit here alone. You are a yesterday man and I have already forgotten, I have moved on past the emotionless person I once knew. And when the old is out the new comes in, a new that I am not ready to handle, not ready to confront. I laugh and play along and continually question myself with answers that are nowhere to be found, but I cannot stop, it is not me. Who am I? What do I constitute? Nothingness. Yet I go along, with the false hopes and the promises that will never be fulfilled, because life is life, because I am a lie.

Ps. I am right, always right.
Pps. Stubborness can only get you so far, I know.


Close your eyes and see.

I want to leave, I want to go back home. I want to feel the wind in my hair, the sun on my skin, the sand in my toes, the water all around me. Take me back to the place where I belong, where all my troubles are washed away with the water and where the horizon goes on forever, endless.

Patience is a virtue, my love.


Music on. World off.

"You never know what you have until you lose it. All the sentimental meanings and the emotional attachments ... they never truly surface until what once was is no more."

It is on and I am gone, further than any place I've ever been. I am above it, with it, in it, on it, around it, below it. I am a part of it and I am free. Thoughts are escaping and I lay back and watch, watch them blow away with the wind. I smile, I laugh, I radiate joy and I am happy. My lips are moving like an automated machine, I do not control it and cannot control it for it has a mind of it's own. Incoherent noises and sputters and everythings arise and I join in with the fun. Around, around, I am here, look at me! I dance with her and the sounds fill the air like nothing in this world.

I have been told that it takes one to know one. The words are spilling out and the emotions are raging and the world has stopped to watch the business that is anything but theirs, yet everyone knows, everyone understands. It is all relative, you and me and me and you, in this world, in this place, at this time, in this very moment. A fight for the glory and the pride and the downfall and the nonsense that it all brings, we kiss and make up and it's all the same. Ignorance is bliss. To hear what is and to shut out what is not, applications to life that are obscure to you are important to me. Flip the table and start all over again, I matter and you don't. Simplicity at its finest, if I do say so myself. The clock is ticking and time is running out, it will not stop for anyone or anything. Run along, run along I say! It is pointless to bother with such obvlivion in life, too much hassle will slow you down.

I have often wished for something different, but time and time again it has failed me. Persistence is of essence, I cannot give up on what will become of it. Some may say a new beginning, a new life, but I say it is not so much of either. It is rather a continuation from what was left behind, a new chapter in a book full of inspirational stories, some good, some bad, some funny, some heart-wrenching. In retrospect, I have had my fair share of all of the above, yet there is still something missing that I cannot pinpoint. I have always thought it to be something missing in my life, some sort of vast vacuum that would be filled one day with an abundance of greatness. My thoughts have slowly gravitated to the fact that it is not a lack of something, but instead a finding and an understanding that I am yet to comprehend. Gibberish and nonsense and random talk, I try so hard to voice my thoughts yet none ever come out the way they are supposed to.

All beginnings and no ends, I am getting frustrated with the sense of confusion building up inside of me. Think and rethink and overthink and ... let it all go down the drain, I say.


Final stretch.

I went walking with my mama one day when she warned me what people say. Live your life until love is found, or love's gonna get you down. Singing, sucking too hard on your lollipop, oh love's gonna get you down. Say love, say love, oh love's gonna get you down.

A sweat of perspiration rolls down my cheek as I tread along, counting my steps as I go. One thousand and one, one thousand and two, one thousand and three, one thousand and four, one thousand and five. My body is weary and I am faint. Dehydrated, overheated, overstressed and greatly fatigued, but I must push on towards the end. People are everywhere, yelling, screaming, shouting, cheering, but their words are indistinct. Though I feel like I can do no more, I must finish strong, I must. Mind over matter, give it all for the final stretch. The training has been done, the race has been set, and I am sent to run. With twelve years of experience behind me, I cannot go wrong - I've got to finish hard and with all I've got. This is it, this is the end of a journey I have waited my entire life for. One thousand fourty-five, one thousand forty-six, one thousand forty-seven, one thousand forty-eight, one thousand forty-nine, one thousand fifty. There's nothing to lose, nothing to lose.

All I know is you've got to give me everything, nothing less 'cause you know I'll give you all of me. I'll give you everything that I am, I'm handing over everything that I've got 'cause I wanna have a really true love, don't ever wanna have to go and give you up. Stay up 'till four in the morning and the tears are pouring and I want to make it worth the fight. What have we been doing for all this time? Baby if we're gonna do it, come on do it right.

We'll be playmates and lovers and share our secret worlds.


Life is wonderful.

Eyes focussed on the horizon ahead, cars zoom by as I drive towards the sun. Nowhere to go and no destination in mind, I drive along aimlessly, driving. The monotonous voice of a singer plays in the background, but I can hardly hear what she has to say. To clear my mind, to escape reality, to steer clear from the truth, to wipe away all the worries and troubles and pointless thoughts in my head - really, just to get away from it all. The singer belches out another tune, I'm going to miss you, I don't want you to leave. The song ends as I speed past an old lady in her car, my words of annoyance spilling out uncontrollably. I cannot, I must not. Turning off the road and into a deserted neighbourhood, the houses are but four pieces of wood nailed on to a shabby roof. I slow down and crawl along the road, taking in all that is around me. My mother used to bring me lunch everyday, though she could barely walk, barely talk. I was ashamed of her, I told my friends she was my maid. I didn't want to be seen with her, I was embarassed, and she knew that. She'd come by everyday and give me my lunch and see that look I had in my eyes, and she'd smile, tip her head, and leave. I told her to stop, to stop coming to school and bringing me lunch, I told her I was old enough to buy my own. With a hurt look in her eyes, she told me that she wanted to do this for me because this was all she could do, yet I turned around and walked out before she could finish her sentence. A boy runs along the street with a torn soccer ball, his clothes filthy from playing in the dirt. He is laughing and I wonder who this boy is, how he can be smiling, why he is so happy. He sees me and waves excitedly, but I drive on by, barely noticing his presence. The next day, as I sat in my class right before lunch, I wondered how I could hide my friends from seeing my mother. Class came and went, and before I knew it, lunch was here. I waited and waited and didn't see my mom and wondered, 'Maybe she finally took my advice. Thank goodness for that, I won't have to be embarassed by her presence anymore.' As I looked up from my train of thought, I saw teachers rushing towards me, frantic. I wanted to know what was wrong, what had happened, and as the words came out, the world stopped. 'Your mom was hit by a car on the way to school today.' I ran out of the school, past the playground, out onto the road where my mom was hit. She lay lifeless on the ground as paramedics tried to revive her. The ground was soaked in red as her body lay stiff and she lay dead. I ran up to her and cried, shouting her name as loud as I could, but she was gone, so far gone. I could barely recognize her, she was hit so bad. And as I reached for her hand to hold one last time, I saw that she had done this for me. Clutched tightly in her hand was the lunch she made for me, for the daughter that she loved. I buried my head in her chest and hugged her for the last time, wishing that I could turn back the hands of time. By now I had reached a dead end, with nowhere to go. I turned off the car and sat there, the tears glimmering in the sun as they rolled down my face. It was then that I knew what I had to do. After years of searching for answers to questions I could not face, I had finally found the one and only answer to all the questions combined. I turned on my car and turned around, heading back the way I came, heading back home.

It takes a crane to build a crane, it takes two floors to make a storey, it takes an egg to make a hen, it takes a hen to make an egg, there is no end to what I'm saying. It takes a thought to make a word, and it takes some words to make an action. It takes some work to make it work, it takes some good to make it hurt, it takes some bad for satisfaction. Ah la la la la la la life is wonderful, ah la la la la la la life goes full circle. It takes a night to make it dawn, and it takes a day to make you yawn. It takes some old to make you young, it takes some cold to know the sun, it takes the one to have the other. It takes no time to fall in love, but it takes you years to know what love is. And it takes some fears to make you trust, it takes some tears to make it rust, it takes some dust to make it polished. Ah la la la la la la life is wonderful, ah la la la la la la life goes full circle. It takes some silence to make sound, and it takes a loss before you found it. It takes a road to go nowhere, it takes a toll to make you care, it takes a hole to make a mountain. Ah la la la la la life is wonderful, ah la la la la la life goes full circle. It is so wonderful, it is so meaningful.


Black, black heart.

Pounding pounding pouding pounding pounding. Non-stop, when will it cease to exist? It won't, why won't it? Too many questions surrounding these half-embraced trains of thoughts. Nothing really matters, nothing really matters to me. What is there in this black, black heart, to discover, to find, to reveal? Would you offer more if I said I'd try? Why must it be that I make it easier to satisfy? I'm on fire and rotting to the core, but what do you see, you see nothing. I'm eating all your kings and queens, all your sex and your diamonds.

Something ugly this way comes, through my fingers sliding inside all these blessings, all these burns. I'm godless underneath your cover, search for pleasure and search for pain in this world. Now I am undying, I unfurl my flag, my nation helpless. As I begin to lose my grip on these realities you're sending, I taste your mind and taste your sex, I'm underneath your covers. Covers lie and we will bend and borrow with the coming sign. The tide will take, the sea will rise and time will rape, and I will die.


Get going.

Manipulation and destruction, I cannot find the strength to hold on. A fear of weakness and a weakness due to fear, everything comes tumbling down, down, down. The sun is shining and the wind is blowing and the birds are chirping but my heart is black, turned to stone by the coming and going of such people, such things. To dwell on matters as these is to indulge yourself in the wonders of the world, the wonders that have mystified all of mankind. A black hole. Maybe I am out of my mind. But oh, how I long to break free from these chains, to go anywhere, just to go.

You are the epitome of sin, yet I love you so.



And in that moment ...

I swear we were infinite.

"We don't love qualities, we love persons; sometimes by reason of their defects as well as of their qualities." -Jacques Jacques Maritain


Ignorance is bliss.

You pick at my flaws like dried up scabs, so irresistable, so tempting. Dead and nothing more, nothing more. It is nothing more than a fake perfection, one that no one can reach or achieve. Yet you try and try, constantly failing, constantly falling. Falling and failing. Open your eyes to the world and see that it cannot be, look at what is around you rather than focussing on your tunnel-vision mindset. It will not be simply because it cannot be - accept it or let it go, do not try and fix it until it matches the mold of your perfection. Subjective nonsense, I will not take it.


In this life.

Another candle on the cake, yet not much wiser.
Funny how life works.


In your mind's eye.

"You are my Sunshine, my only Sunshine, you make me happy when skies are grey. You'll never know, dear, how much I love you. Please don't take my Sunshine away."

I can't help but think about it day and night, night and day, it never stops, never. I want to give in so bad, but I know that I can't, not yet. It takes so much strength, so much willpower to hold myself back from what I want. But I know that if it's right, it will all be worth it in the end. To say yes or to say no, decisions beyond the mind can take.

And I would go to the ends of the earth.


There's nothing like freedom and love.

I am a puzzle scattered on the ground. He picks up the pieces and puts me back together, I am whole and it feels wonderful. He turns to you and says, "You give love a bad name." It is true, it is true. Undeniably, truthfully, true.

I want to be where the lights are, where the lights shine in the day and shine even brighter at night. I want to feel alive, to soak up the hustle and bustle as people rush by me, going on their way to pick up their child, to go home to their family, their wife, their husband, their everything, to get to work, to catch the bus, to go, to go. It never stops, I never stop, my heart beats faster, I hold on tighter. A little girl in a big world, it takes everything to stop me from following and going along. I want to be different, I want to be special, I want to be me. And if it weren't for the sparkle in his blue eyes, I know that I'd be gone, so long, long ago.

It comes at you fast, faster than you can ever imagine. Take it or leave it, it's up to you. I know I've made my choice, and I know that I will never regret it, never ever. I've regretted so much in the past that I vow to regret no more, I've had enough of my shares. Take a stand, make a choice, it is done, everything is done. Thank you.

Ps. A stress you can't shake, every little bit is worth it.


In the corner of your heart.

A fever you can't sweat out. It's only you and I in this world, you gave it to me, you gave it all to me. I thought it to be good, a time back then so long, long ago. But then again, I thought the world was good, I thought it all to be good. It is not stupidity nor is it naiveness, it is more ignorance than anything else, more ignorance than the both of us can handle. I push you and you push me back, we laugh, we cry, we enjoy and we die inside. You come, I go, we part and don't look back. Isn't that the way it's supposed to be? You told me that was it, I couldn't go wrong. I wander aimlessly with no sense of direction, no sense of time, no sense of who I am, where I am going, who I was, or what I am to become. It is terrible, oh, it really is. But you are happy and that makes one of us, so share the joy and spread the happiness. I have already said too much. I should take it back, take it all back, but then it will never be, no more. I want to eat my words and spit them out at you, I want to make you look into my eyes and tell me the truth. I want you to know, to feel, to be me and to understand. But I cannot, I cannot. I chew and chew and it is tasteless, bland and tasteless, just like my life. Just like me.

I can't say I didn't try. I can't say that I didn't play my part, I can't say that I didn't do what I thought was right. But I also can't say that I did everything the way it was supposed to be done, because I know I didn't. Tossed off and trampled on, again and again and again, life is what we love, live, laugh, lie. It's done, gone and flown away into the sky, such a bittersweet memory that it pains to bring it up, but the thoughts cannot be pushed aside. Live and let live, no more regrets, no more wrong moves, no more. I tried, I failed, I cry, I pick myself back up, life goes on and on and on. It's time I move on with that life, catch the next train that passes through. It my be my last chance. So go, go and get it, because I know you can.

Ps. This is our hell, stay forever, forever.


Share it with the world.

Never would I have thought it would come down to this. I guess it's wrong for me to say never, as the saying goes something along the lines of never say never. It is an oxymoron in itself, but that's beyond the point. What I'm trying to say is that my mind has taken me to places I would have never expected, beyond my wildest imagination. I'm scared, I'm terrified beyond belief. My nerves have finally gotten the better of me; how did I let this happen? I thought I knew better, I thought I was on the right track. I tend to think a lot of things, but hardly anything I think is right nowadays. Racing minds are not healthy for the body. Stop thinking, stop the thoughts, I just want to hear silence. No more stress, I want to be free. Take me away, I'm tired of sitting in the dark with only anticipation by my side. Stop the world from spinning, maybe then this pounding in my head will cease.

Ps. I don't want this, I don't want you, I don't want to feel anything but numbness. No more, no more.
Pps. Who knows, who knows but you and me and everyone and no one.


Your heart, no, your mind ... no, both.

How do you know where it ends, and when the beginning starts? Is it an ongoing process of a lifetime of confusion, or will things ever make sense? I am called a pessimism. You call me cynical, he says I am too negative, she says I need to stop looking at the glass half empty. I say, I simply don't care. Well, that was the way it was supposed to be, anyway. I don't care, I really don't. I've spent more time caring about you and you and him and her and this and that than I've spent on useful things. It's not a bad thing, it's not. It's rather healthy, this new outlook I'm experimenting with. But with everything, there's the bad that comes hand in hand with the good, and by the time I realize what the bad is, I am past the point of no return. So what now? I wish life were clear cut and simple, so much so that we'd all make the right decisions, all the time. I know I shouldn't, but I do, anyway. And at the times I know I should, why do I not? I thought I knew what I wanted, I thought I knew what was right. But I guess I really didn't know anything at all. Nothing about me, nothing about you, and nothing about you, either. It's surprising what you can find out when the heart begins to speak.

The fireworks lit up the sky and you saw me standing there, looking at you with sorrow-filled eyes and my heart full of regret. You turned your gaze back to the sky for a moment in time and I ran, I ran as far as I could. You looked back to where I once stood, your face illuminated by the now dying pieces of work in the sky. I was gone, I was long gone. I stopped in a clearing a way off, and as we both looked up into the dark, we whispered, I wish you knew.


Once in a lifetime.

Elegance, absolute and utter beauty. Dining with the president or high tea with the Queen, bah! Nonsense, it is nothing short of reality.


Says who?

I left you lying there by yourself, just lying there. I didn't know what to do, to sit, to stay, to get up, to leave? Your eyes were open and your breath shallow, breathing fast, breathing. I tried to help, but I was rendered useless. I thought I would cry, I really did. But nothing came out, my eyes were dry and there was nothing I could do.

I am not inferior nor superior, I must stop, I must. Sometimes, all the times, never, always? My mind plays tricks on me. It's not true, none of it, do not believe anything. Lies beyond lies, yet I still give in, anyway. Vulnerability and weakness? I think not.

This is how it works. You're young until you're not, you love until you don't, you try until you can't. You laugh until you cry, you cry until you laugh, and everyone must breathe until their dying breath. No, this is how it works. You peer inside yourself, you take the things you like and try to love the things you took. And then you take that love you made and stick it into someone else's heart, pumping someone else's blood, and walking arm in arm you hope it doesn't get harmed. But even if it does, you'll just do it all again.

You are my sweetest downfall, I loved you first.


Look, up there.

The sun, the rain, the clouds. Oh, the wind!
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. If only life were like that.

A heart only beats so many times in a life.

Ps. It was all so different then.
Pps. Carry on, carry on and on and on.


Battle cry.

I am a tyrant, a tyrant who will soon extirpate the vestiges of hope for the future. For what I see in my mind's eye, I cannot comprehend, and what I cannot comprehend shall not be. I bid it farewell, I bid you farewell, I say goodbye to everything I lost so long ago. What a pity, a tragedy in itself, for me to see it gone, see it disappear. But what the tyrant does cannot be stopped, not by you, not by anyone. What needs to be done shall be done and there will be no sorrow, no regrets, nothing. The end is near, can you see it coming? Can you feel it rushing through your veins, can you feel it in the beating of your heart? Stand your ground and be ready, for it is the best you can do.

Strong willed, strong minded. Nothing more, nothing less.

"Jealousy is a disease, love is a healthy condition. The immature mind often mistakes one for the other, or assumes that the greater the love, the greater the jealousy - in fact, they are almost incompatible; one emotion hardly leaves room for the other." -Jubal Harshaw Robert Heinlein in "Stranger In A Strange Land"

Ps. If you have it, you don't need to have anything else. If you don't have it, it doesn't matter much what else you have.


Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart.

How often we stumble and fall because our gaze is transfixed at what is behind us. It is only when we realize that we should not be looking at what has been, but rather, what is to become, that we can pick ourselves up and begin a journey towards the greater good.

If I could only decipher the insanity that runs through my mind at times like these, maybe I would begin to understand who I truly am. I'm sorry, I wish I could be better, I wish it didn't have to be like this. But it seems that my wishes are only hopes that fade away over time, as they never seem to come true, anyway. I think it's time I picked myself up from where I left off, sprawled on the ground, weeping. There's no use in walking towards a destination with your eyes focussed someplace else - the goal will never be reached. And so I must keep my chin up, keep my eyes fixed on what is ahead, not what is behind. I must learn to walk away from my long gone wishes and hopes of what could have been, and pursue my determinations and relentnesses [if there's no such word in the english dictionary, forgive me] of what is going to be. It's time to stand on my own two feet again. It's time things changed.

Mama just killed a man, put a gun against his head, pulled my trigger, now hes dead. Mama, life had just begun, but now I've gone and thrown it all away. Mama, didn't mean to make you cry, if I'm not back again this time tomorrow, carry on, carry on as if nothing really matters. Too late, my time has come, sends shivers down my spine, body's aching all the time. Goodbye everybody, I've got to go, gotta leave you all behind and face the truth. Mama, any way the wind blows, I dont want to die, I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all.


It just is, no questions or doubts.

"Love enables you to put your deepest feelings and fears in the palm of your partner's hand, knowing they will be handled with care." -Carl S. Avery

I think this is why I have such trouble with love.

Not that I really know what it is to begin with, anyway. But I stick to my deduction [experience is key], that I will never fall in love. Do not fret, my dear, there's plenty of time, plenty of people, plenty of lessons that are yet to be learned. There are plenty more melting hearts and heartbreaks, plenty more arguements and make-ups, plenty more of everything until I will truly understand the meaning of all this ... nonsense [if that day ever comes].

I want to, I need to, I have to, yet I can't. There is something wrong, something so drastically wrong with this picture. It's funny how everyone else can see it, feel it, know it, and I sit here as clueless as ever. Somebody help me, shake me, smack me, something! I think I am just too blinded by cynicism. Not so much my own, rather, those around me, those I see, the actions and the words, the intentions and what not. Am I confused? Most definitely. But what is a girl to do when she's backed up against the wall with no way out and a voice that cannot be heard? I want so much for people to know, but I can't risk it, I just can't. It needs to end, soon, faster, faster. I can't wait, I really can't.

Ps. It's all coming back to me now.
Pps. Why? Why not? How? It wasn't supposed to happen this way.


Oh yes.

To pick and choose from choices of this and that, full of "yes"s and "no"s and sometimes the "maybe"s, it's so easy that there must be a trick, a trap, there's always one of those. What to do, what to do! Oh, it is horrendous. Excitement, a rush, giddy and grinning. Is this really what true happiness feels like? Existence feels surreal, it is rather a floating between time and space, or is there even such thing? Who knows, who cares, who gives! Excitement, elated, ecstatic, enjoy!

I am so lovesick it scares me.

Ps. Wake up, wake up, wake you up, wake me up!
Pps. I want to dance and feel the heat, cha cha!


Big girls don't cry.

Questions without answers and terribly unsettling thoughts. If all that's left is to chase after something you are so afraid of, so uncertain of, what would you do? It makes me wonder. Can it just be about not giving a damn about what you feel, or can it just be? The thoughts of the past are so distant yet so prominent that I would die to relive a second, a mere moment of it. It is an idea that irks me. Yes, it is worrisome, so worrisome it has become tiring. Pain overridden by numbness. I am not a dumb girl. True, I may be naive at times, but what's to say that I can't see through everything? It was always a yes or a no, plain and simple, black was black and white was white. Now everything is bare and in the light, and what I once knew as simple is no longer so clear-cut. I've come to realize that indifference is not the answer. No, it is not the answer at all, to anything, really. Indifference is merely a mask to shadow the truth in a person's heart, to shut out the guilt and the "I-know-what's-right-but-I-don't-want-to" in a person's mind. It was better before, it was better. The shocking fact is not even the drastic difference, rather, it's the lack of anxiety. Strange? Perhaps. But the anxiety always presented itself for the good. There was a heart, a soul, a mind, a spirit, a fire deep down. What was so vibrant before is now a bland stare, a blank face, a stone heart, a cold shoulder. All I wanted was half a heart. A simple [or what I once knew to be simple] request gone down the drain, my dark secrets of the past piling higher and faster, faster and high. Never again, never again.

Does it hurt, to know I'll never be there?

Thanks for the memories, even though they weren't so great.

The smell of your skin lingers on me now, you're probably on your flight back to your home town. I need some shelter of my own protection, to be with myself instead of calamity. Peace, serenity. Fairytales don't always have a happy ending, do they? I foresee the dark ahead, so I just can't stay. The path that I'm walking, I must go alone, I must take the baby steps until I'm full grown. Like the little school mate in the school yard we'll play jacks and uno cards, I'll be your best friend and you'll be my valentine. Yes, you can hold my hand if you want to, 'cause I want to hold yours too. We'll be playmates and lovers and share our secret worlds, but it's time for me to go home. It's getting late and dark outside, I need to be with myself instead of calamity. Peace, serenity. I hope you know, I hope you know that this has nothing to do with you. It's personal, myself and I, we've got some straightening out to do. I'm going to miss you like a child misses their blanket, but I've got to get a move on with my life. It's time to be a big girl now, and big girls don't cry.

Ps. Some say I am known for my tendency to equivocate. I'm just trying to feel, to feel it all, really.


Second chances.

I'm sick of second chances. Cigarettes turn to ashes as I'm standing under street signs to know the places I've been my whole life. I watch the hours pass us, another one burns to ashes. I'm waiting for your phone call to come and save me so you can break my fall. I will stand outside and wait for you to come find me, I will keep on my light by my bed 'till you get home, and I won't sleep tonight 'till you get home. My bed light's burning brighter, boiled like a boxed in fighter. You've got me fighting pillows, my eyes just won't close 'till you're at my side. The hours slip to morning, I see the sun coming up. I'm turning off the TV, I'm watching faster than you gave up on me. I got your letters that you sent to me. It feel likes summer, but you're far away from me when I need you here.


Lie to me.

We are who we are, and no amount of lies you tell yourself [or you tell me] will ever change that.

Lie to me, lie to me one last time.



Complex minds amaze me. But what is truly astonishing, what I was so blinded to before but so understanding to now [not fully, but through some means, closer than I've ever been], is the power in which they can work, for both the good and the bad. And, I say, along with complexity often comes confusion. Confusion of the sorts in which nothing seems to fit together, or confusion at times when good is bad and bad is good [the world has flipped upside-down]. The two come hand in hand, one never without the other [it is rare to find that confusion does not follow complexity, or vice versa - though, at times, one may be a little bit behind in time].

I hope to not sound quite so negative all the time. Complexity [if it falls into the hands of the right person, mind you], can be quite a great reward. But in the reaches of the wrong person, however right the person may seem, it is not so much a blessing in disguise. Words are merely words - delve a little deeper. It is hard to fully grasp the true meanings and intentions of such convoluted minds, such intricate powers. I presume I am one of the few who would give half of what I know just to be able to understand a fraction of it, in its entirety. But what do I know. I am, afterall, just another naive human being on the face of the earth.

Infidelity. Indispicable, indescribable infatuation, immensely insignificant, irresistably intriguing. Involuntary, inarguable infuriation. Indefinitely infinite. Insanity.

Ps. Fuck it all, fuck you all. A couple more months of bullshit and I'm through with it. Out with the old, the regrets of the past, in with the new, hope for the future. Be strong.


I will do anything it takes.

Have I ever told you? I would die to be
the perfect girl.

Resist temptation in all shapes and sizes, fight the cries of desperation at all costs. Determination and willpower of the mind, saying I will not give in, I will not, I will not. Nothing can get in the way of a man with a set mind, whose eyes are focussed only at what lies ahead of him. Do not fight with him, for he will conquer, he will destroy. Do not tempt him, for he will plow on forward until he reaches the end. Do not do so much as raise a finger or take a breath, for it is a waste of energy, time and effort - he will do whatever it takes to achieve his goal. So wage the war and win the battle, there is nothing worth losing and everything worth gaining. Power and control to the infinite amount, fight on, fight on.

I am invincible.


It took me by storm.

A fairytale world of beauty and love. What is beauty, what is love? The sky, the birds, the trees, the sun, the flowers, the rainbows, the people. I'm told it goes further than what you and I can see. A little deeper. A little more ... no, still more. Somewhere there? Who's to say how, or who, or what? Not you, and certainly not me. Still they [or more correctly, we] search until it is "found". Not knowing why, not knowing much of anything, really. Just a continual hunt for something that doesn't exist. Or does it? Some call it pessimism, or cynicism, or ignorance. Me? I call it knowledge. A knowledge that surpasses those with the glaze in their eyes, blinded to everything around them, or those who are madly infatuated with someone of the opposite [or same, if it suites you] gender, and even those who find it a dire need to have people constantly around. A knowledge that rises above those with the highest intelligence quotients, and those who seem to know it all, those who don't know it all, those who pretend to know it all, and those who know nothing. A knowledge known only by me, for me, to me, and no other. A knowledge that comes through wisdom, experience, and the constant ramblings [from here to there, at random times or at times not so random in life] to and from the friend, the mother, the father, the sister, the brother, the other and some. Life is not life, rather, a figment of your imagination that only you yourself can control. No one but you can see it, no one but you can control it, no one but you can start it, no one but you can end it. What you live and what you feel is surreal. Open your eyes.

I may not be right. Hell, I may be the farthest from right anyone has ever gone. But such knowledge, such understanding and such thought is so empowering ... beyond empowering ... that only time can tell where it will lead.

I just found out there's no such thing as the real world, just a lie you've got to rise above.


Live, laugh and love life.

A touch of serenity mixed with an abundance of radiance. A few drops of bliss, a dash of fulfillment, finish it off with a handful of aliveness - ah, alas, the perfect concoction.

Running through the fields barefeet, the wind running its fingers through my hair, the sun smiling down upon all of earth's small wonders - I have never known such ecstasy. I ran till I could run no more, collapsing in a clearing with grass as green as emarld and throwing my head back to drink in the sun's rays. Time seemed to stand still as I lay in [what I can only describe as] a meadow, my dress ruffled and my hair tousled [but I didn't seem to care]. A light breeze picked up a leaf, placing it in my hands. I sat up slowly, my shadow slowly creeping up and casting darkness over the fragile thing. Nature's miracles. A butterfly, its colours splattered on its wings like a mad artist thrashing paint on a canvas, landed on my shoulder. Orange, red, yellow, black, everything and more. It fluttered [or maybe it quivered slightly, I couldn't tell], and flew off as quickly as it came. Jumping up, trying to catch the butterfly that was already so high in the sky, I pranced and frolicked around the field [spontaneously cartwheeling at times, my inner child escaping from within me].

I don't know exactly how long I stayed there for. A couple hours, a few hours, the entire afternoon ... all I know is that I watched the sun as it set over the trees, casting it's last bit of sunshine across the field. I embraced the night with a smile on my face as it came, watching as each star popped out one by one by one, lights going off in the sky, so far yet so near.

I'm living the high life.


A little more of this, a lettle less of that.

In a state of total oblivion, where left is right and up is down and everything is all around, what is there left to feel? So empty yet so full, calm hearts and racing minds. Life is a blur of people, laughing, shouting, jumping, swaying to the music. A spark here, a trail there, wanderers follow suit. Is it an illusion, a state of mind? The night is hazy but the stars shine bright. A breeze blows through and the trail is lost, only to be replaced by three more. A sensation, a feeling, nothing and everything. Confusion so profound that even Einsten wouldn't be able to figure it out. Just let it go, live on, live on. Why worry? The night is young and the people are carefree. The trees begin to move closer, the moon smiles and the stars wink at me. The couple at my right [or is it my left?] are so engrossed in each other that they cannot see it. I laugh, it's nothing unusual. Continue to feel the steady beating of my heart as it goes boom boom, like the rythmic beating of a drum. I shut my eyes and darkness encloses me. I accept it like a long lost friend and say, Welcome back to my world.

This life I live is deadly.

Ps. I have the most amazing friends in the world.


Lost in the music.

Baby, baby, don't be late, the world is ending and I can't change the way I feel about you now, New York is cold as ever.
But still I go out every night, and hide myself among the lights, bathe in all the pretty things the city brings.
The bodies glisten and they shine, and like the stars we're born to die, like these roses we all will fade.

Baby, baby, please don't cry, wipe the guilt out from your eyes. Leave your conscience on the bed, there's no one innocent here.
In the mirror you'll find faith, plastic flowers never fade, but we all turn to grey.
I'm counting the cars on the freeway below, lost in the music. All the foolishness of our lives speeding out of control, I'm lost in the music, the music.

E D I T [11.24pm] ;

beach beach beach beach beach! i want to drink in the sunshine forever and ever. the weather is absolutely fantastical. give me my summer now, please!