Relax, take it easy.

Took a ride to the end of the lane where no one ever goes. Ended up on a broken train with nobody I know. But the pain and the longing's the same when you're dying, now I’m lost and I’m screaming for help alone. Relax, take it easy, for there is nothing that we can do. Relax, take it easy, blame it on me or blame it on you. It’s as if I’m scared, it’s as if I’m terrified. It’s as if I'm scared, it’s as if I’m playing with fire - scared. It’s as if I’m terrified, are you scared? Are we playing with fire? Relax, love, there is an answer to the darkest times. It’s clear we don’t understand it, but the last thing on my mind is to leave you. I believe that we’re in this together. Don’t scream – there are so many roads left.

I am bubbling and boiling and perspiring and agitated. It follows me like a shadow and I cannot escape it. Is there no end to this madness? I am frail and he is not aware of it, breaking me apart piece by piece, slowly, painfully. I want to be alone, alone in a world where there are no people, no bothers, no distractions. I want to live and be free, instead of being tied down by all this, all that. I want to run free, fly high, soar around and laugh a deep, passionate, geniuine laugh. I want so much but I cannot achieve anything, any of it. How many times must I reiterate myself before it is clear? I do not know how much more of this I can take. You take a step and I run, you chase me and I run harder, faster. You push me and I push back, you pull me in and I move away. You try and try but your efforts are pointless, I do not want it. I tell you and my words come out clear, can you not hear them? You tell me they are but indistinct sounds, mumbles and grunts and everything incoherent. Should I scream, should I shout, should I spell it out for you? I have tried everything and I am powerless, I sit and hold my now throbbing head in my hands, weeping. Stop the pressure, stop the pain, I want it all to go away. I will hurt or you will hurt, one or the other, no doubts about it. I hold the decision in my hands and it is terrible, I am terrible. But I can no longer take it, I cannot show my face any longer. It finds me and attacks like none other, a vicious beast that thrives off my fear. So I hang my head in hopes that it will not recognize me, I move on, I move on. And there it is, the answer you have been waiting for. I cannot, I will not, I stall and I falter, I stutter and I tremble. But the truth is so, it cannot be hidden, I cannot wait any longer. I am sorry, so sorry, I know, I know. But sometimes, love just isn't enough.

"No one knows why, but sometimes, you meet the right person at the wrong time. And sometimes, you meet the wrong person at the right time. The trick in life is meeting the right person at the right time and being able to know the difference."

Ps. Oh, how profound! From the words of the wise, the unbearable truth: Love will tear us apart.



Twisting and turning and tumbling upside-down, I am tired of having to deal such unimportant things. I can do it, I know I can, so don't tell me I can't, don't tell me I'll never get that far. I've always wanted to tell you that I loved you, that I loved you more than I could ever imagine. But love is a choice, and I choose not to love, not to believe in love. Simply put, it does not exist, life does not exist. Life is a lie and lies are life, to find a life without a lie is to find heaven, to find perfection. A perfection which does not exist, mind you, but you can keep trying for it, anyway.

To bare my heart and soul and mind and everythings to you is to confess righteously all I have done, and revealing my innermost secrets is to willingly accept a consequence that I cannot face. I am tieing a string around a black balloon to take me away, so that I can fly up high to see the world, to see all that is around me. The black balloon of my lies and sins and guilts and terribleness, the black balloon that is going to free my heart and soul and mind. It will fly, and I will fly. And when it begins to die, slowly, slowly, I will die with it, piece by piece. It is life. No, it is a lie. It is the lie of life.

Mindless actions of expression and faded smiles, a heart that beats fainter than the cars on a desserted country road. Outside, inside, everywhere, it is disappearing and gone, I am lost and I sit here alone. You are a yesterday man and I have already forgotten, I have moved on past the emotionless person I once knew. And when the old is out the new comes in, a new that I am not ready to handle, not ready to confront. I laugh and play along and continually question myself with answers that are nowhere to be found, but I cannot stop, it is not me. Who am I? What do I constitute? Nothingness. Yet I go along, with the false hopes and the promises that will never be fulfilled, because life is life, because I am a lie.

Ps. I am right, always right.
Pps. Stubborness can only get you so far, I know.


Close your eyes and see.

I want to leave, I want to go back home. I want to feel the wind in my hair, the sun on my skin, the sand in my toes, the water all around me. Take me back to the place where I belong, where all my troubles are washed away with the water and where the horizon goes on forever, endless.

Patience is a virtue, my love.


Music on. World off.

"You never know what you have until you lose it. All the sentimental meanings and the emotional attachments ... they never truly surface until what once was is no more."

It is on and I am gone, further than any place I've ever been. I am above it, with it, in it, on it, around it, below it. I am a part of it and I am free. Thoughts are escaping and I lay back and watch, watch them blow away with the wind. I smile, I laugh, I radiate joy and I am happy. My lips are moving like an automated machine, I do not control it and cannot control it for it has a mind of it's own. Incoherent noises and sputters and everythings arise and I join in with the fun. Around, around, I am here, look at me! I dance with her and the sounds fill the air like nothing in this world.

I have been told that it takes one to know one. The words are spilling out and the emotions are raging and the world has stopped to watch the business that is anything but theirs, yet everyone knows, everyone understands. It is all relative, you and me and me and you, in this world, in this place, at this time, in this very moment. A fight for the glory and the pride and the downfall and the nonsense that it all brings, we kiss and make up and it's all the same. Ignorance is bliss. To hear what is and to shut out what is not, applications to life that are obscure to you are important to me. Flip the table and start all over again, I matter and you don't. Simplicity at its finest, if I do say so myself. The clock is ticking and time is running out, it will not stop for anyone or anything. Run along, run along I say! It is pointless to bother with such obvlivion in life, too much hassle will slow you down.

I have often wished for something different, but time and time again it has failed me. Persistence is of essence, I cannot give up on what will become of it. Some may say a new beginning, a new life, but I say it is not so much of either. It is rather a continuation from what was left behind, a new chapter in a book full of inspirational stories, some good, some bad, some funny, some heart-wrenching. In retrospect, I have had my fair share of all of the above, yet there is still something missing that I cannot pinpoint. I have always thought it to be something missing in my life, some sort of vast vacuum that would be filled one day with an abundance of greatness. My thoughts have slowly gravitated to the fact that it is not a lack of something, but instead a finding and an understanding that I am yet to comprehend. Gibberish and nonsense and random talk, I try so hard to voice my thoughts yet none ever come out the way they are supposed to.

All beginnings and no ends, I am getting frustrated with the sense of confusion building up inside of me. Think and rethink and overthink and ... let it all go down the drain, I say.


Final stretch.

I went walking with my mama one day when she warned me what people say. Live your life until love is found, or love's gonna get you down. Singing, sucking too hard on your lollipop, oh love's gonna get you down. Say love, say love, oh love's gonna get you down.

A sweat of perspiration rolls down my cheek as I tread along, counting my steps as I go. One thousand and one, one thousand and two, one thousand and three, one thousand and four, one thousand and five. My body is weary and I am faint. Dehydrated, overheated, overstressed and greatly fatigued, but I must push on towards the end. People are everywhere, yelling, screaming, shouting, cheering, but their words are indistinct. Though I feel like I can do no more, I must finish strong, I must. Mind over matter, give it all for the final stretch. The training has been done, the race has been set, and I am sent to run. With twelve years of experience behind me, I cannot go wrong - I've got to finish hard and with all I've got. This is it, this is the end of a journey I have waited my entire life for. One thousand fourty-five, one thousand forty-six, one thousand forty-seven, one thousand forty-eight, one thousand forty-nine, one thousand fifty. There's nothing to lose, nothing to lose.

All I know is you've got to give me everything, nothing less 'cause you know I'll give you all of me. I'll give you everything that I am, I'm handing over everything that I've got 'cause I wanna have a really true love, don't ever wanna have to go and give you up. Stay up 'till four in the morning and the tears are pouring and I want to make it worth the fight. What have we been doing for all this time? Baby if we're gonna do it, come on do it right.

We'll be playmates and lovers and share our secret worlds.


Life is wonderful.

Eyes focussed on the horizon ahead, cars zoom by as I drive towards the sun. Nowhere to go and no destination in mind, I drive along aimlessly, driving. The monotonous voice of a singer plays in the background, but I can hardly hear what she has to say. To clear my mind, to escape reality, to steer clear from the truth, to wipe away all the worries and troubles and pointless thoughts in my head - really, just to get away from it all. The singer belches out another tune, I'm going to miss you, I don't want you to leave. The song ends as I speed past an old lady in her car, my words of annoyance spilling out uncontrollably. I cannot, I must not. Turning off the road and into a deserted neighbourhood, the houses are but four pieces of wood nailed on to a shabby roof. I slow down and crawl along the road, taking in all that is around me. My mother used to bring me lunch everyday, though she could barely walk, barely talk. I was ashamed of her, I told my friends she was my maid. I didn't want to be seen with her, I was embarassed, and she knew that. She'd come by everyday and give me my lunch and see that look I had in my eyes, and she'd smile, tip her head, and leave. I told her to stop, to stop coming to school and bringing me lunch, I told her I was old enough to buy my own. With a hurt look in her eyes, she told me that she wanted to do this for me because this was all she could do, yet I turned around and walked out before she could finish her sentence. A boy runs along the street with a torn soccer ball, his clothes filthy from playing in the dirt. He is laughing and I wonder who this boy is, how he can be smiling, why he is so happy. He sees me and waves excitedly, but I drive on by, barely noticing his presence. The next day, as I sat in my class right before lunch, I wondered how I could hide my friends from seeing my mother. Class came and went, and before I knew it, lunch was here. I waited and waited and didn't see my mom and wondered, 'Maybe she finally took my advice. Thank goodness for that, I won't have to be embarassed by her presence anymore.' As I looked up from my train of thought, I saw teachers rushing towards me, frantic. I wanted to know what was wrong, what had happened, and as the words came out, the world stopped. 'Your mom was hit by a car on the way to school today.' I ran out of the school, past the playground, out onto the road where my mom was hit. She lay lifeless on the ground as paramedics tried to revive her. The ground was soaked in red as her body lay stiff and she lay dead. I ran up to her and cried, shouting her name as loud as I could, but she was gone, so far gone. I could barely recognize her, she was hit so bad. And as I reached for her hand to hold one last time, I saw that she had done this for me. Clutched tightly in her hand was the lunch she made for me, for the daughter that she loved. I buried my head in her chest and hugged her for the last time, wishing that I could turn back the hands of time. By now I had reached a dead end, with nowhere to go. I turned off the car and sat there, the tears glimmering in the sun as they rolled down my face. It was then that I knew what I had to do. After years of searching for answers to questions I could not face, I had finally found the one and only answer to all the questions combined. I turned on my car and turned around, heading back the way I came, heading back home.

It takes a crane to build a crane, it takes two floors to make a storey, it takes an egg to make a hen, it takes a hen to make an egg, there is no end to what I'm saying. It takes a thought to make a word, and it takes some words to make an action. It takes some work to make it work, it takes some good to make it hurt, it takes some bad for satisfaction. Ah la la la la la la life is wonderful, ah la la la la la la life goes full circle. It takes a night to make it dawn, and it takes a day to make you yawn. It takes some old to make you young, it takes some cold to know the sun, it takes the one to have the other. It takes no time to fall in love, but it takes you years to know what love is. And it takes some fears to make you trust, it takes some tears to make it rust, it takes some dust to make it polished. Ah la la la la la la life is wonderful, ah la la la la la la life goes full circle. It takes some silence to make sound, and it takes a loss before you found it. It takes a road to go nowhere, it takes a toll to make you care, it takes a hole to make a mountain. Ah la la la la la life is wonderful, ah la la la la la life goes full circle. It is so wonderful, it is so meaningful.


Black, black heart.

Pounding pounding pouding pounding pounding. Non-stop, when will it cease to exist? It won't, why won't it? Too many questions surrounding these half-embraced trains of thoughts. Nothing really matters, nothing really matters to me. What is there in this black, black heart, to discover, to find, to reveal? Would you offer more if I said I'd try? Why must it be that I make it easier to satisfy? I'm on fire and rotting to the core, but what do you see, you see nothing. I'm eating all your kings and queens, all your sex and your diamonds.

Something ugly this way comes, through my fingers sliding inside all these blessings, all these burns. I'm godless underneath your cover, search for pleasure and search for pain in this world. Now I am undying, I unfurl my flag, my nation helpless. As I begin to lose my grip on these realities you're sending, I taste your mind and taste your sex, I'm underneath your covers. Covers lie and we will bend and borrow with the coming sign. The tide will take, the sea will rise and time will rape, and I will die.


Get going.

Manipulation and destruction, I cannot find the strength to hold on. A fear of weakness and a weakness due to fear, everything comes tumbling down, down, down. The sun is shining and the wind is blowing and the birds are chirping but my heart is black, turned to stone by the coming and going of such people, such things. To dwell on matters as these is to indulge yourself in the wonders of the world, the wonders that have mystified all of mankind. A black hole. Maybe I am out of my mind. But oh, how I long to break free from these chains, to go anywhere, just to go.

You are the epitome of sin, yet I love you so.