Awake.

Nostalgia haunts me.

Blankly staring into space, noises all around, the world fading away.




I want my mommy.

Revelations.

"Everyone hides who they are at least some of the time. Sometimes you bury that part of yourself so deeply that you have to be reminded it's there at all. And sometimes you just want to forget who you are all together. And what about me? Maybe I'll never be the human you wanted me to be. But I couldn't kill him. It wasn't me either. I'm not the monster he wants me to be. So I'm neither man nor beast. I'm something new entirely. My own set of rules. I'm me."
- Dexter

The devil's advocate.

Nothing but problems and pain. I don't need it and I don't want it, yet I'm losing grip, with nothing to hold on to. The world is turning against me and I stand alone.

What am I waiting for?



I don't need you.

Euphoric eyes.

Lost in another world, transcended in thought, immersed in beauty. I cannot bring myself to stop, I cannot tear myself away. Eyes wide in awe and I sit and stare, never blinking, never breathing.

Euphoric eyes shine so bright through that fading sunlight. Euphoric eyes, be mine, be afraid of daylight. Euphoric eyes, you can make them world’s collide and watch them fall with open eyes. It's up to you, so divine, you put me straight then make me slide. I need to see, I got to feel it. The look of yours just got me dreaming, no escape, don’t go leaving. Look at me.

Uninterested.

Dysfunctional.
Deprived.
Dreary.
Dull.
Dead.





What has my life become?

Fight for the right.

Ain't no way they can stop me now 'cause I'm on my way, I can feel my reign comin'. It's the blood of a champion pumpin' deep inside my veins, too much pride to be runnin'. I'ma give what I can and more, even if my blood, my sweat, and my tears don't mean nothin'. It's the heart of a champion, it's the heart of a champion in me.

And I'll fight for what I want, because I believe in it. They say I can't stop 'cause I won't stop, nothing's gonna get in the way of me now. Head set straight and mind in the right place, I'm right where I need to be. Size me up and I'll knock you down, it's the champion in me that's gonna fight. Bring it on, bring it on, bring it on.

Falling.

One, crossed out.
Two, thrown away.
Three, walked off.
Four, slapped in the face.
Five, torn apart.
Six ... well hello there, six.

Again?
I shall not. I will not.
But oh, how I long to ...

Maybe, maybe.
How do I know? Do they know? Who knows? She does, she does, only she knows both sides of the story. I must know!
Only time will tell.

And for now, I'll sit, and wait, and wonder, and count ...

One, crossed out.
Two, thrown away.
Three, walked off.
Four, slapped in the face.
Five, torn apart.
Six ...

Ps. The devil you are, you are the devil. Six, six, six ...

Dead silent.

When the words aren't spoken, when the efforts aren't put in, when the feelings aren't flowing, what are you to do?

I'm sitting, and I'm waiting.

Waiting for the words that won't be there.
Waiting for the efforts that I don't see.
Waiting for the feelings I don't feel.

So let's turn the tables and play it your way. I won't speak, I won't try, I won't feel. And let's see what you do, how you take it, how this all plays out.



There were times when I believed everything that was told to me. But time has shown that those words were empty and cold, and there were no intentions behind them to begin with. Oh, the ever failing trust in humanity.

I refuse to be just another girl used as a stepping stone towards self-righteousness. I stand on my own. Tease me and taunt me, I will not be phased. This girl has her eyes set on what she wants and nothing is going to get in the way.

And in time, maybe you will feel the way I feel. Maybe then you'll begin to understand who I really am, and how I played you as a fool.

Running out of words to say.

I used to spit fire, my words hot with passion. I used to give cold shoulders, cold hearts, cold stares. I used to smile with rage, and wrap myself in anger. And then life became so blank, emptiness surrounding me, engulfing me, eating me whole.

I tried to fill it with love.
I tried to fill it with lust.
I tried to fill it with sorrow.
I tried to fill it with perfection.
I tried to fill it with pain.
I tried to fill it with superficialness.
I tried to fill it with materialism.

I tried and tried and tried but couldn't.

But what I didn't know was that all I had to do was be me. How sad it is to look back and see that I wasted years and years of my life to try and fill this gaping hole in my heart with things that could never be. Ultimately, when I lost you, I thought I lost everything. But then reality kicked in and I saw that all this while I had been living a life that no one wanted to be a part of, a lie, a deceit, a pretense ... it was all fake, all of me, all of it, all the words and the feelings and the smiles and the tears - everything. It wasn't me. I wasn't me. I've come to see that to get through this life, to live in his world, I cannot pretend to be someone I'm not. I cannot cry behind the fake smiles and I cannot seeth with anger behind the joyfulness. I can only live as I would live, whether it be what you want from me or not. I am seeing myself in an entirely new light. I feel like I am starting over, and it feels like I have been given a second chance. A flower just as it is about to bloom, something so small and fragile yet something that has the potential to be something so much greater, so much prettier, so much better.



"Don't let your past decide your future."

Shadow of the day.

"I close both locks below the window,
I close both blinds and turn away.
Sometimes beginnings aren’t so simple,
Sometimes goodbye’s the only way.

And the sun will set for you,
And the sun will set for you.
And the shadow of the day,
Will embrace the world in grey,
And the sun will set for you."

Sometimes beginnings aren't so simple, sometimes goodbye's the only way. Starting from the beginning is never easy, not knowing whether things will work out, not knowing in which direction to head. And sometimes, goodbye is the only way that we can push ourselves towards a new beginning, towards the greater good. To be daring enough to take step the first step isn't easy, but sometimes it's the only way to let go and move on. And the sun will set for you. The end of a day but the beginning of another. New beginnings, new starts, new chances at redemption. Life goes on. And the shadow of the day will embrace the world in grey. Moving on to better days, leaving yesterday behind as a mere shadow of memory and towards a brighter future. To learn from the past and make the future even better, to embrace what is given and to use it to benefit life. And the day after today can be better than yesterday, and the day after that even better. So here's to tomorrow, full of opportunities. Opportunities to make yesterday not so bad, because of the wonder of today, and tomorrow.

"Man can only reach new shores if he has courage to lose sight of the old shores."

And so it begins.

2008!

It is, alas, truly a new beginning. So many times I have spoken of letting the past go. I guess I haven't failed at it in all it's entirety, but I do know that I have still hung on to things I should have let go of a long, long time ago. I've put it in words and sent it away, along with the feelings and the sadness that has hung in my heart. Sealed with a kiss and blown into the wind, it's time to move on from everything that has been. Is this going to be a good year? I don't know. But what I do know is that I am the only one who has control of how this year is going to begin, how this year is going to live out, and how this year is going to end. So with that said here is my one and only new year's resolution:

To live like this year is my last, with no regrets and no fears, no holding back.

Now that 2007 has ended, I have stopped to take a look at my life and to see what I need to change for 2008. I do realize that no one is perfect, but for the longest time I have taken the liberty to think and act as if I was the closest anyone has ever gotten. But what I see now is a little girl who desperately needed to find herself and who hid under a mask of uncertainty, clothing herself in everything she wished she was but realistically, everything she was very far from. So from here on out I've made a few wise yet realistic decisions.

1. I am going to fly solo for a while. And I know that I've said this many, many times before, only for me to find another guy that I've fall head over heels in like with, but this is for real. I'm at the age where I'm beginning to look for a serious relationship, someone that I can see myself with for a while down the road. By no means am I talking about marriage, but I am talking about commitment. And I think that before I commit myself, it is only fair if I straighten my life out and figure out what I want in a guy, or what I need in a guy, before I go and put myself in another relationship.
2. I am going to dedicate more of my time to family and school. I've begun to realize that my priorities weren't straight - I'd always thought that I had things exactly where I wanted them. But this break has been a real wake-up call for me, and I've begun to see that my marks are definitely more important than parties and intoxication, as well as the fact that I need to put my family before my constant desires to go out with friends and do whatever the hell I do.
3. I am going to be in control of my life. I've felt extremely out of control of everything around me, as well as myself, for a while now. Call me a control freak, but I need to be able to have a grasp on everything that is going on in my life. And at the moment, I feel like things are out of my reach and certain parts of my life are spiralling out of control. I need to regain composure of myself, of my life. Weed out things that are of no use, cut off things are giving me extra pressure.
4. I am going to have a lot more "me" time. I feel like I gave 2007 a lot, and by no means is that a bad thing. But at times I feel like I have nothing left to give, and I feel like I am stuck where I am with no way of getting out of this rut. I think it is time for me to find myself again. It is time for me to understand what it is that makes up this girl, what it is that I have to offer to others in my life. And so this is the year where a new change is going to take place, because there are no more confusions and no more lies - just me.
5. I am going to be happy. So many times I have felt like giving up hope, giving up on everything and everyone around me. I have felt my fair share of heartbreak, of pain, of loss, of hurt. I have had enough tears running down my face, enough sleepness nights filled with worry. I am done with giving second chances and asking for second chances. Because in the end, it is so not worth it. I am not saying that I am going to go through 2008 with no sadness and no hurt and no loss and no tears - don't get me wrong. It is only life to experience such things. What I am saying is that though there will be times like these, I will be optimistic, and I will look at the brighter side of things. I am not going to put myself in those positions anymore, because I have realized that I am prone to be blind to such things. But I am going to change, and I am going to look at the brighter side of life. After all, it's the year of two thousand and great, isn't it?! =)

And as these words are merely words to whoever is reading this, let these words develop meaning as I begin to work my way through 2008. I'm ready to take on this new challenge, full of spirit, full of energy, full of life. I want to be able to look back at myself on the same day next year, January 2nd [or January 1st if I'm not too hung over =)] and say, "I am not the girl I used to be. I have changed and I have lived a good a year, full of happiness, full of joy, with no regrets, no fears." So here goes my journey into 2008. May it be filled with wonders that I have never imagined, and in the end, may I come out a renewed and changed girl.