Out with the old, in with the new.

"There are things that we never want to let go of, people we never want to leave behind. But keep in mind that letting go isn’t the end of the world, it’s the beginning of a new life.”

And with that I'm finally learning to let go of everything that has been 2007. There have been many ups, many downs, many smiles, many tears, much joy but much sadness as well. And when reflecting on what has been, it is only worth it to see the ups, the smiles and the joy, and to let the downs, the tears and the sadness slip through the cracks to be lost into a world of regret. If there is one thing that I have learned this year, it is that nobody can go back and start a new beginning, or change what they have done in the past. But anyone, anyone can start a new day, today, and make a new ending. Endings are sad, yes, to any degree that is it presented. Whether it is a heartbreak or a loss, endings are hard. Beginnings, on the other hand, can be quite scary. Embracing new things and leaving your comfort are not easy things to do. Yet the key is to remember that it's the middle that counts. Everything that happens after the beginning and before the end ... that is where life is lived. And it is so important to remember this in the beginning, when dreams you wish to seek seem far away and you are too weary to move on. I was once told this by a friend of mine, something that has really engraved itself in my heart. "May the best day of your past be your worst day of the future." Take a while, read it again, absorb it, breathe it in. Understand it and live by it. It is the eve of a new year. 2007 is wrapping up and 2008 is just about to begin. I have had many, many countless joys in 2007. But may the joys and happiness of 2007 be fickle compared to the happiness and joy I will experience in 2008. No more regrets, I'm leaving the past behind. Grieving is hard, but the sun is shining and the world is spinning and I am living, I am smiling. Happy New Year, everyone.

"Live this day as if it will be your last. Remember that you will only find 'tomorrow' on the calendars of fools. Forget yesterday's defeats and ignore the problems of tomorrow. This is it. Doomsday. All you have. Make it the best day of your year. The saddest words you can ever utter are, 'If I had my life to live over again ... ' Take the baton, now. Run with it! This is your day! Beginning today, treat everyone you meet, friend or foe, loved one or stranger, as if they were going to be dead at midnight. Extend to each person, no matter how trivial the contact, all the care and kindness and understanding and love that you can muster, and do it with no thought of any reward. Your life will never be the same again."


Dear Santa.

I sign my letter that I sealed with a kiss, I send it off and just said this - I know exactly what I want this year. Santa, can you hear me? I want my baby, my baby. I want someone to love me, someone to hold. Maybe, maybe he'll be all my own in a big red bow. Santa, can you hear me? I have been so good this year. All I want is one thing, tell me my true love is here. He's all I want, just for me underneath my Christmas tree. I’ll be waiting here, Santa that’s my only wish this year.

Share the love and spread the joy. Merry Christmas to one and to all! <3.


One last cry.

All cried out.

I'm finished with being selfish, with only thinking about myself when so many others around me need me so much more. I'm finished with being dependent, looking to others for answers to problems only I can solve. I'm finished with making stupid decisions and saying stupid things, because ultimately I cannot take back anything I've said.

And with that I'm holding on. Holding on to everything that I care about, holding on to everything that means something to me. Holding on to people that I second-guessed, holding on to people that I thought would not be a big deal to lose. Reality is, I need it, I need them, I need you. It took me long enough to realize that I've been a selfish girl all along, only looking for my needs, only looking for what I wanted. It's time that things changed. It's time that I changed. It's time that you changed.

Keep holding on, 'cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through. Just stay strong, 'cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you.


Recap '07, Part I.

Due to a failure of will to study:

1) Where did you begin 2007?
Nathan Phillips Square!
2) What was your status by Valentine's Day?
3) Were you in school anytime this year?
Unfortunately. As in, now. When I'd much rather be home.
4) How did you earn your money?
5) Did you have to go to the hospital?
Not that I can remember!
6) Did you have any encounters with the police?
Aberdeen LOL.
7) Where did you go on holiday?
8) What did you purchase that was over $1000?
An accumulation of many things I did not need, yet felt the urge to get.
9) Did you know anybody who got married?
Family friends.
10) Did you know anybody who passed away?
Knew OF somebody.
11) Did you move anywhere?
12) What concerts/shows did you go to?
The Hedley/George Nozuka/Keshia Chante one on New Years.
13) Are you registered to vote?
14) Who did you want to win Big Brother?
Definitely don't watch that show.
15) Where do you live now?
The K-Town. Or more specifically, Leggett Hall.
16) Describe your birthday.
It was a school day, like every other one of my birthdays.
17) What's one thing you thought you'd never do but did in 2007?
Do my own laundry/cook/take care of myself!
18) What has been your favorite moment?
Favorite moment? There have been many. Acceptance into University, MVP for volleyball, Sept. 15, losing things, gaining things ... =)
19) What's something you learned about yourself?
I have learned that I need to push myself more and that I am capable of more than I thought. And I've realized more about who I am, what I want and where I want to go. But most importantly, I've learned how I need to change to be a better person.
19) Any new additions to your family?
20) What was your best month?
21) What music will you remember 2007 by?
If You're Not The One- Daniel Bedingfield ; A Walk Through Hell- Say Anything ; Bed- J. Holiday ; Shake Tramp- Mariana's Trench ; I Don't Feel Like Dancing- Scissor Sisters
22) Who has been your best drinking buddy?
No one in particular.
23) Made new friends?
24) Best NEW friend?
Definitely the boyfriend!
25) Favorite Night out?
Random parties during Frosh Week, the night we drove to the middle of nowhere, got out of the car and looked at the stars in each other's arms ... <3.
26) Something you look forward to before 2008?
NOT HAVING MIDTERMS! And 4 months of summer. And 1 year with the boyfriend!
27) Where will you start 2008?
Anywhere I want!


My heart aches for you.

Early was the morn, flowers filled with dew. Softly as a child born in natural rain, I predict the seasons to go unchanged. Warm was the sun that covered my body so. Reminded me of you, as I’d first known. Those were the days, the days that changed my life and made me new. As the sun shined down on me, I know with you in love is where I wanna be. Sometimes, I go on through life, thinking that love is something that’s not meant for me. Sometimes in life you run across a love unknown. Without a reason, it seems like you belong. Hold on Dear Life, don’t go off running from what’s new.

Tears of sorrow, tears of pain. Tears that fell with no one to wipe them away. My heart shattered into pieces as I reached out to try to touch you, to hold you, to feel you. But I could not, I could not. I sat there crying because that was all I could do for you. I closed my eyes and saw the hurt on your face, I drew closer to you and I could feel the guilt. I only wish to be a better person to you, because in reality I am not the one who deserves more. I made my promises and I am to keep them, to be there no matter what happens, through thick and thin, through the good and the bad. And I am not going to leave, no matter how much you try and push me away to find a better person to be with. You have done what no one else was willing to do for me, you have given me what no one else was willing to give me. You showed me what love was, you opened up doors and windows and showed me horizons that I'd never thought I'd see. I became someone when I found you. And I hope that one day you will learn to change, and learn to see yourself as who I see you to be. But until that day I will sit here waiting for you, always, always.

I became somebody through loving you.


Caught beneath a landslide.

A man a plan a canal panama.
A man a plan a canal panama.
A man a plan a canal panama.

What obscene miracles life bring us! Astonishing and astounding and magical and wondrous all in one. How I urge to find it all out, to discover it, to unravel the mysteries behind such things! I am amazed.

8 days of self-punishment. 8 days of devotion. 8 days of unrelentlessness. 8 days of clarity. 8 days of determination.

Let it begin.


Free falling.

Oh, such rebellion! You tell me not to and I strive for it even more, you tell me not to jump and I take a bigger leap. You tell me I can't fly - why can't I fly? I am a bird, I am a plane, I am Superman. I fly, I fly, I fly! But alas, as everything goes, reality kicks in and I fall, fall, fall, continually falling into blackness, an endless abyss of nothingess.

I'm crashing and I'm burning and I'm hitting the ground. There's no where left to go but up, you say. And I say ...

Watch me.

"The great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do." -Walter Bagchot


Who I was hates who I've become.

Flashback 10.18.05:

"What a sucker I am for sweet guys.
I find the most joy out of the simplest things.
The simplest gesture, the simplest gift.
The simplest guy.

I want a guy who can make me feel secure above all things.
I want him to be there no matter what, and for him to know that I'd do the same.
I want him to hold me when I feel completely torn and to laugh with me when times are good.
I want him to think I'm beautiful no matter how I look or how I dress.
I want him to my hand and tell me everything is alright, that he's in heaven whenever we're together.
I want him to be wild and spontaneous and take me out to random places where we can dance the night away, or sweet and romantic, bringing me to a nice dinner where we can talk 'till the sun comes up.
I want him to be my prince, to live out my fairytale with me, to lie under the stars together, falling asleep in each others arms.
I want him to always be able to put a smile on my face, even through the worst of times.
I want him hold me so tight so that we'd never let go, and I want him to be waiting there for me, arms out, ready to embrace me when I need a friend.
I want him to feel that I'm one of the best things in his life, to be able to boast to his friends and to tell them that he's found the perfect one.
I want him to kiss me on the forehead and tell me that everything will be alright even though the world feels like it is going to end.
But most of all, I want him to love me for me.
Not because I'm pretty, or because I dress a certain way.
I want him to love me and to hold me, telling me that things are just fine because we're together, because he'll never leave me and because he really loves me.

I'm not a hopeless romantic.
I don't think so anyways.
All I want is a good guy.
A decent, genuine guy.
Is that too much to ask for?

How naive, how fragile she was. Where did she go, who is this now? No traces, no hints, just words, an abundance of words. Words beyond words and meanings that delve in too deep. I want to see her, to talk to her, to be her. I want to know and feel and live the way she does, the way she did. Pure and innocent, looking only for love. A love that I have found, but the purtiy, gone. Skeletons in the closet that scream to be let out, but I cannot, I must not. I have found it, the one thing that everyone searches for in life. It is perfect and everything I've ever wanted, but I am missing, she is missing. Optimism turned into cynicism, pessimism, innocence turned into darkness, guilt. I must let go and live, I must cherish what I hold on to now. I must smile a true, genuine smile, I must feel what I have been overlooking. I must find her, I must be her. And when all that's said and done, I will let go and love.

Ps. How lucky I am to have stumbled upon you on that bright, sunshine-filled day. You're everything I've ever wanted.



He stood there under the sunlight, a serene figure with arms wide open.

"Now everything has changed, I'll show you love, I'll show you everything."

And I believe it, I know it's true.


Forgive, but don't forget me.

Stumbling blindly in the dark, eyes sealed shut, blackness all around. The only sense of direction is what I can feel, touching, touching. A flat surface ... a wall ... one, two, three, four. Everything around is surreal, from the ground my two feet are standing upon to the sounds I hear resounding like voices in a deep cave. Are they calling my name? They are but faint echoes, screams, shouts, moans, cries of despair - the voices of the dead, perhaps, or the dying, people who are just like me. Crawling, clawing, trying to escape this horrid place; where am I, how did I get here? Rigid walls built so high that they tower over me, a needle in a haystack that no one gives half a damn enough to look for. I drift away, looking for answers, searching but finding no explanations, no understandings, nothing. Blank after blank after blank, the power of a subdued memory is greater than the human mind knows [oh the irony!]. I am my own prisoner imprisoned in me. Walls of guilt built over the years, brick after brick has been piled as sin after sin has been committed. Who can break down the wall but me, who can free me from this misery but myself?

"To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prison was you." - Lewis B. Smedes

It is said that there is no love without forgiveness, and no forgiveness without love. It is in times like these that you realize how deep words can touch you, and how striking the meanings of these words are. Forgiveness has always been a fall-back, a tool of sorts used to manipulate people and situations for nothing but selfish reasons. How wrong, how terribly wrong that view is. You live, you learn. Forgiveness is an act of love, an act of kindness that comes solely from the heart. Without forgiveness, this world would be in utter devistation, a world full of communism and fatality and war and misunderstanding. It is forgiveness that saves us from a world such as this, that saves me from losing what I value most dearly in my life. And for that I am so thankful, because I know that the world would no longer be spinning if you hadn't looked past everything and forgiven me out of love. It is truly a miracle, life and love, love and life.