Say you, say me.

The moon is fading, ready to end its shift for the night. The sun is preparing for another days work and I am sitting here, waiting, wishing, wondering.

Ponder.

Why is it that I can never commit? Not just to something, or someone, but to anything or anyone. Maybe it's not so much me as it is it, or them. We tend to brush off our inadequacies so quickly so that we don't have to take the blame, or the shame, or whatever consequences are to follow. Myself? Well, I tend to come about it in another way. I do what I do and think what I think and at the end of the day I justify my actions with my thoughts, and along with those thoughts I assign feelings, just to make myself feel more complete. When will I ever learn? Will I ever learn? It is an endless cycle of do-think-feel-fall, get up-smile-redo-rethink-refeel-refall. I know I shouldn't continue on living this way, but words are merely words and the actions that are supposed to go along with those words just won't follow. I have become so immune and so blind to this downfall that I don't even know what is what anymore.

I've become a split personality.

Half of me screams out 'JUST DO IT!' while the other half drags me into the corner and says 'STAY PUT!'. People think I am crazy when I tell them, they think I'm so naive and so dumb for believing that I really could do it, that I could make it. How many times I've tried to prove people wrong, only ending up in a rut and reaching out for help.

I just don't get it.

I guess you could say I torture myself. I want it so bad that I run over whoever and whatever stands in my way. And in that moment it is ecstasy, utter glory. But when the light fades it's back to the cycle I go, do-think-feel-fall, get up-smile-redo-rethink-refeel-refall. Stop wondering, stop thinking, stop feeling, stop doing. It's all stupid, idiotic, pointless, crazy. I am only a needle in a haystack, what does it matter anyway? I am no different. We are all the same. Needy human beings who will do whatever it takes to get whatever it is they want.

And at the end, I am tossed away as worthless as a piece of garbage littering the side of the road.

I've forgotten how good it feels to let it all out.