Who I was hates who I've become.

Flashback 10.18.05:

"What a sucker I am for sweet guys.
I find the most joy out of the simplest things.
The simplest gesture, the simplest gift.
The simplest guy.

I want a guy who can make me feel secure above all things.
I want him to be there no matter what, and for him to know that I'd do the same.
I want him to hold me when I feel completely torn and to laugh with me when times are good.
I want him to think I'm beautiful no matter how I look or how I dress.
I want him to my hand and tell me everything is alright, that he's in heaven whenever we're together.
I want him to be wild and spontaneous and take me out to random places where we can dance the night away, or sweet and romantic, bringing me to a nice dinner where we can talk 'till the sun comes up.
I want him to be my prince, to live out my fairytale with me, to lie under the stars together, falling asleep in each others arms.
I want him to always be able to put a smile on my face, even through the worst of times.
I want him hold me so tight so that we'd never let go, and I want him to be waiting there for me, arms out, ready to embrace me when I need a friend.
I want him to feel that I'm one of the best things in his life, to be able to boast to his friends and to tell them that he's found the perfect one.
I want him to kiss me on the forehead and tell me that everything will be alright even though the world feels like it is going to end.
But most of all, I want him to love me for me.
Not because I'm pretty, or because I dress a certain way.
I want him to love me and to hold me, telling me that things are just fine because we're together, because he'll never leave me and because he really loves me.

I'm not a hopeless romantic.
I don't think so anyways.
All I want is a good guy.
A decent, genuine guy.
Is that too much to ask for?

How naive, how fragile she was. Where did she go, who is this now? No traces, no hints, just words, an abundance of words. Words beyond words and meanings that delve in too deep. I want to see her, to talk to her, to be her. I want to know and feel and live the way she does, the way she did. Pure and innocent, looking only for love. A love that I have found, but the purtiy, gone. Skeletons in the closet that scream to be let out, but I cannot, I must not. I have found it, the one thing that everyone searches for in life. It is perfect and everything I've ever wanted, but I am missing, she is missing. Optimism turned into cynicism, pessimism, innocence turned into darkness, guilt. I must let go and live, I must cherish what I hold on to now. I must smile a true, genuine smile, I must feel what I have been overlooking. I must find her, I must be her. And when all that's said and done, I will let go and love.

Ps. How lucky I am to have stumbled upon you on that bright, sunshine-filled day. You're everything I've ever wanted.