Running out of words to say.

I used to spit fire, my words hot with passion. I used to give cold shoulders, cold hearts, cold stares. I used to smile with rage, and wrap myself in anger. And then life became so blank, emptiness surrounding me, engulfing me, eating me whole.

I tried to fill it with love.
I tried to fill it with lust.
I tried to fill it with sorrow.
I tried to fill it with perfection.
I tried to fill it with pain.
I tried to fill it with superficialness.
I tried to fill it with materialism.

I tried and tried and tried but couldn't.

But what I didn't know was that all I had to do was be me. How sad it is to look back and see that I wasted years and years of my life to try and fill this gaping hole in my heart with things that could never be. Ultimately, when I lost you, I thought I lost everything. But then reality kicked in and I saw that all this while I had been living a life that no one wanted to be a part of, a lie, a deceit, a pretense ... it was all fake, all of me, all of it, all the words and the feelings and the smiles and the tears - everything. It wasn't me. I wasn't me. I've come to see that to get through this life, to live in his world, I cannot pretend to be someone I'm not. I cannot cry behind the fake smiles and I cannot seeth with anger behind the joyfulness. I can only live as I would live, whether it be what you want from me or not. I am seeing myself in an entirely new light. I feel like I am starting over, and it feels like I have been given a second chance. A flower just as it is about to bloom, something so small and fragile yet something that has the potential to be something so much greater, so much prettier, so much better.



"Don't let your past decide your future."