6.30.2007

Relax, take it easy.

Took a ride to the end of the lane where no one ever goes. Ended up on a broken train with nobody I know. But the pain and the longing's the same when you're dying, now I’m lost and I’m screaming for help alone. Relax, take it easy, for there is nothing that we can do. Relax, take it easy, blame it on me or blame it on you. It’s as if I’m scared, it’s as if I’m terrified. It’s as if I'm scared, it’s as if I’m playing with fire - scared. It’s as if I’m terrified, are you scared? Are we playing with fire? Relax, love, there is an answer to the darkest times. It’s clear we don’t understand it, but the last thing on my mind is to leave you. I believe that we’re in this together. Don’t scream – there are so many roads left.

I am bubbling and boiling and perspiring and agitated. It follows me like a shadow and I cannot escape it. Is there no end to this madness? I am frail and he is not aware of it, breaking me apart piece by piece, slowly, painfully. I want to be alone, alone in a world where there are no people, no bothers, no distractions. I want to live and be free, instead of being tied down by all this, all that. I want to run free, fly high, soar around and laugh a deep, passionate, geniuine laugh. I want so much but I cannot achieve anything, any of it. How many times must I reiterate myself before it is clear? I do not know how much more of this I can take. You take a step and I run, you chase me and I run harder, faster. You push me and I push back, you pull me in and I move away. You try and try but your efforts are pointless, I do not want it. I tell you and my words come out clear, can you not hear them? You tell me they are but indistinct sounds, mumbles and grunts and everything incoherent. Should I scream, should I shout, should I spell it out for you? I have tried everything and I am powerless, I sit and hold my now throbbing head in my hands, weeping. Stop the pressure, stop the pain, I want it all to go away. I will hurt or you will hurt, one or the other, no doubts about it. I hold the decision in my hands and it is terrible, I am terrible. But I can no longer take it, I cannot show my face any longer. It finds me and attacks like none other, a vicious beast that thrives off my fear. So I hang my head in hopes that it will not recognize me, I move on, I move on. And there it is, the answer you have been waiting for. I cannot, I will not, I stall and I falter, I stutter and I tremble. But the truth is so, it cannot be hidden, I cannot wait any longer. I am sorry, so sorry, I know, I know. But sometimes, love just isn't enough.

"No one knows why, but sometimes, you meet the right person at the wrong time. And sometimes, you meet the wrong person at the right time. The trick in life is meeting the right person at the right time and being able to know the difference."

Ps. Oh, how profound! From the words of the wise, the unbearable truth: Love will tear us apart.