Small minds and big conclusions.

Apethetically pathetic. Makes sense? Not so much to you, but in my head, everything is set right. To be frank, I don't know what I'm doing half the time. Scratch that ... most of the time. I go with the flow and smile and nod and everyone believes me, so much so that I begin to believe myself at times. Oh, what a terrible, tragic mistake. I do things and say things and act things that aren't me, I dance and flail and speak as if I know exactly what you mean. I go along and I play the part, and when it comes to the goodbyes and the tears I hug you and cry with you and it all ends there. But what do I really know? Some would say I have a stone heart for writing this next line, but this is me, and I cannot hide who I really am. If I don't know what I'm doing, if everything is a mockery of you and all you've done, how can it be real? It cannot be, it just cannot be real. All the things that you thought I meant I didn't, all the things that you thought I felt I didn't. It is what it is, and I know I should stop, I really should. The guilt nags at me time after time, stop doing that replaying in my mind like a broken record player. I lack what it is I need to stop, though. I am twisted, I am insincere, I am cruel, I am cold-hearted. I am a bitch, but I am everything you've wanted, and everything you've needed.

I have heard that it can take up to two years to completely get over the infatuation stage of a relationship. How much truth is behind that statement? I would really like to know if that is just some myth or if someone has actually proven it to be true. Either way, positions such as these are quite uncomfortable. Whether it be pure infatuation or true love [on his part, not mine; I know better than to believe in such nonsense], there was a spark, a something. It made my stomach do a small flip-flop, it made my heart flutter a little ... just a little. It made my knees go weak and my cheeks flush, and it made me want to be closer to you. I'm sure it was nothing serious. It can't be anything serious. I am moving on and you are staying back, watching me as I turn and walk away from all the possibilities. Maybe time will prove me wrong. But until then, this is where I stand, with my knees a little shaky, my hands a little clammy, my nerves in a little ball, my heart beating fast. My body in your arms, my arms around your body, my skin against your skin and your breath against my neck. Your lips against my lips and eternity is ours ...

I need to stop this brain from thinking ... pronto.

There's a place off Ocean Avenue where I used to sit and talk with you. We were both sixteen and it felt so right, sleeping all day and staying up all night. There's a place on the corner of Cherry Street, we would on the beach in our bare feet. We were both eighteen and it felt so right, sleeping all day and staying up all night. If I could find you now things would get better, se could leave this town and run forever. Let your waves crash down on me and take me away. There's a piece of you that's here with me. It's everywhere I go, it's everything I see. When I sleep, I dream and it gets me by. I can make believe that you're here tonight.

Ps. You are special and you can't be shared.
Pps. You told me that you would never, you would never. It scares me to believe it because never always breaks its promises, and then there'd be two broken halves and a broken girl.